Bmax Comes Alive

Recent Work

2010-01-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

Mixtape.Me Playlist

2009-03-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

A hot playlist from a cool new website!

Teenage Angst Has Paid Off Well

2007-04-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was at the reception for the Peter E. Haas Public Service Award (Congratulations Jody!) when someone tapped my shoulder and informed me that I was having a wardrobe malfunction,

"Dude there's a large hole in your pants."

"No problem" I said, "I'll just put on my coat..."

"No dude, there is a seriously large hole in your pants."

Walking home with my coat tied around my waist (my first idea was actually, where's a stapler?) and ripped pants, I couldn't help but think, "Man, this is so grunge." It must be karma related to playing too much Nirvana lately.

The problem isn't isolated to that pair of pants. I pulled the next pair of pants out of the closet, and realized I needed to sew up the bottom of the left pant leg to make them wearable, the pair after that had a hole in the pocket big enough for my wallet to fall through, etc.

It looks like I either need to buy some more flannel or a new pair of pants...

Where's my SAG card?

2007-04-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

So, I just got back from a trip to Death Valley, complete with canyoneering, hidden petroglyphs, a land-speed record-setting attempt across a playa, and a journey from 200 feet below sea level (sleeping with the fishes) to 11,000 feet above sea level all in one day. While I was off on my vision quest, KQED (the local public television station was on a "quest" of their own.

Their quest, should they choose to accept it, was to film a special about nanotechnology at the University of California Berkeley and the Molecular Foundry at Lawrence Berkeley National Lab. As part of their special, they needed shots of scientists being scientisty. In the clip below you can watch the video featuring the Zettl lab's best and brightest giving one-hundred and ten percent. Look closely and you can spot yours truly opening a furnace.

And yes, those purple gloves were absolutely necessary for the task at hand, I definitely did not put them on just because they look more futuristic.

Good Day Sunshine

2007-02-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

This past Wednesday, I found myself in front of the television during the middle of the day. A raging cold had me laying low on my couch drinking tea and slurping chicken noodle soup. Those of you with that Tivo gadget may not realize just how bleak the television landscape is, especially at one in the afternoon. Just tell me which of these shows you would watch:

a) An episode of the Cosby Show where Raven Simone lip syncs to a sassy blues song
b) An episode of Even Stevens where some high school kids trick the principal into becoming a male model, only to realize that his replacement is worse
c) An episode of Maury Povich entitled "I'm cheating on my blind husband... with another women" where the cheating is revealed and the blind husband wants to walk off the set, but can't find his way

If you answered d) all of the above, then you probably had as much of a blast on Wednesday as I did!

Total World Domination

2007-01-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

China is going to take over the world. What? You don't believe me? Well, I didn't believe that you could ride a unicycle on top of an umbrella before last night. But then I saw the Peking Acrobats. And they finally settled the question; yes, you can ride a unicycle on an umbrella.

So, what else did I see. I saw a man balance on one end of a teeter totter and use the other end to fling not one, not two, not three, but four bowls into the air and land in a stack on top of his head.

I saw one girl stand on top of two girls heads, while two other girls walked underneath. Not impressed? Oh, did I mention everyone was spinning six plates at the same time.

I saw people bend in ways that I'm pretty sure are illegal in most states. I saw more people ride on one bike than can comfortably fit in my living room.

I heard more audience members mutter, "Oh, hell no" than any time besides when I watched Black Knight at Steve Wilkens' place.

If the Peking Acrobats come to your town, you should check them out. Or you can just wait till they take over the world and see them then. Its really your call.

SF Sketchfest 2007

2007-01-11T00:32:00.000-08:00

Where are you going to be this Friday?

That wasn't a rhetorical question...

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, you should be at the Eureka Theatre checking out "Growing up is Tough" by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust at SF Sketchfest 2007.

As an added bonus, you'll get to see that dude from the Daily Show. No, not Craig Kilborn, that other guy, what's his name? oh, yeah, Bob Corddry.

Best of 2005

2007-01-09T23:48:00.000-08:00

I've had some questions about whether I'm still planning on riding RAGBRAI this summer. Well, I want to lay all of the Donald's nasty rumors to rest: the answer is no. Due to scheduling conflicts with my riding team, a bike that doesn't have all its spokes, and most importantly that jerk Lance Armstrong stealing my thunder. What this all means to you dear reader, is that you have more time to prepare for RAGBRAI 2008 (or least come up with our team name).

Instead of riding all the way across Iowa, I will be running across the Golden Gate Bridge this summer during the San Francisco Marathon. So if you aren't doing anything else on July 29, you should come run 26.2 miles. Here are some pictures of what you can look forward to (WARNING: you might not actually want to click that link, its for San Francisco's more popular race Bay to Breakers Don't say I didn't warn you!)

Bedtime for Bonzo

2006-12-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

This post on radiation exposure is long overdue. I know, I know, you're thinking that Polonium-210 business was ages ago. No, no, I'm talking about yours truly's radiation exposure. Thats right, the federal governement has finally gotten around to issuing a full report on my radiation exposure for the years 2003, 2004 and 2005. And now for the thrilling results courtesy of Jefferson Lab:

2003: No detectable dose
2004: No detectable dose
2005: No detectable dose

Phew! That was a close one. And on to the audio/visual protion of our presentation (don't bother turning up your kicking sub woofer, I don't actually have any audio).

And our first contestant is a portrait.

Wait a second, is that former President/Governator Ronny Reagan? Wait another second, is that a mosaic? Wait just one more second Mister, is it made out of the Gipper's favorite snack food, Jelly Bellys? Gross! I feel like I just ate a rotten egg jelly belly (warning not for people with tongues).

And that brings us to entry numero deux

Ah, just a normal long exposure of cars going over the Golden Gate bridge. Huh, what's that license plate doing just floating in the air. Did somebody just take ghost riding the whip to a whole new level? (For those of you who aren't super hyphy, you may want to consult the excellent reference work "Tell me when to go" by E-40).

Last but not least.

A shot from the Deathships San Francisco Show. Whoa, check out that psychedelic camera work. You can't control that, it's just what happens when you try to take a picture of a rock show in San Francisco.

Funeral Boats are Coming to Town!

2006-12-05T20:04:00.000-08:00

For everyone out on the West Coast, you better be ready, ready to rock! The Deathships (featuring Joseph Leonardo Donatello Raphael Michaelangelo Galloro on bass) will be coming to your town in the next couple of days. Be there or be square! Check below for the details in your town:

West Coast Tour with Jay Bennett (Ryko Disc / ex Wilco) We will do direct support as well as serve as Jay’s Backing Band!

12/07/06:Seattle, WA @ Tractor Tavern w/ Jay Bennett + John Rauhouse (Bloodshot Records/Neko Case band member)

12/08/06:Portland, OR @ Rotture w/ Jay Bennett + John Rauhouse (Bloodshot Records /Neko Case band member)

12/09/06:Sacramento, CA @ Old Ironsides w/ Jay Bennett 9pm

12/10/06:San Francisco, CA @ Rickshaw Stop w/ Jay Bennett 9pm

12/11/06:Los Angeles, CA @ Silverlake Lounge w/ Jay Bennett + Weed Patch 9pm

And did I mention Joey G would be there

Eat it and weep

2006-11-27T23:57:00.000-08:00

Like most of you out there I had a delightful meal last Thursday, but I'm guessing that your meal was no match for mine last night. Arriving home at midnight after 7+ hours of travel, I was famished and needed to scrounge up something to eat before I could fall asleep. I had finished off my perishables last Tuesday, so the fridge and pantry were barren. Then I saw them gleaming on the countertop, two hot dog buns.

But what to put in these buns? No turkey, no ham, not even lettuce... Returning to the fridge I finally found it, the condiment for all occasions: ranch dressing.

Stale hot dog buns and ranch dressing, now thats what I call giving thanks!

Beat the Rush

2006-11-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

I did it. I just barely squeeked by, but I beat the rush. Now, I'm not talking about the rush to get one of these new fangled video game player machines or the upcoming holiday shopping stampede soon to invade your local shoppingplex. Nope, I beat the rush to take down your halloween decorations before Thanksgiving. So, while the rest of you are slaving away tommorrow un-Jack-o-lanterning your porch and cleaning out cobwebs from the spooky reaches of your cellar, I'll be pre-Thanksing in a nice comfy lazyboy.

Tip of the Week: If you ever find yourself in a parking lot confronted by a gang of teenagers engaged in a brutal game of Monopoly, don't think that Free Parking or the Boardwalk will save you. They won't. I know from experience. (I'll just leave it to the reader to work out the details on that one...)

Get Out the Boat!

2006-11-09T00:37:00.000-08:00

So, the elections have come and gone. Like many of the readers out there, I cast my lot into the vast sea of hanging chads. But unlike most of you, I only voted for two things:

Peace and Freedom

Now, I don't mean that I voted for any wishy-washy abstract liberal concept. No, I voted for the actual thing; The Peace and Freedom Party. For those of you looking to join at home, I have to inform you that the PFP is only recognized in California (maybe only in my county of Alameda, for that matter).

Some of you nattering nabobs of negativism may charge that I am throwing my vote away. But, let me quote from the offical PFP website:

These votes mark support for our program and a protest against the status quo. However, they are "wasted"

Aw schucks, well at least my vote to authorize the Berkeley City Council to impeach President Bush won't go unheeded...

26.2 miles

2006-10-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

If anyone out there was wondering if the Chicago Marathon turned out to be the end of Brian Maxwell Kessler, I can assure you that he made it through alive and kicking. And for anyone wondering what its like to run a marathon, the organizers had cameramen filming the race. You can click below to see their official video.

Now that you know what a marathon looks like in general, I'll give you some highlights from my marathon:

5:30 AM Wake up and get dressed to head down to the marathon start.

6:30 AM Win best dressed warmup outfit.

Yeah, you wish you could pull off a garbage bag and khakis.

8:00 AM Start the Chicago Marathon with 40,000 other people.

I'm the one in an orange hat, right next to Waldo.

8:01 AM Running, running, running, see a sign that says "You can still catch the Kenyans", I don't believe it, running, running, hearing a band play "Eye of the Tiger" gets me pumped up, running, running, hearing the organ player at Wrigley playing a funeral dirge gets me pumped down, running, running, seeing cowgirls in dancing in drag in Boystown makes me laugh, running, running, hearing a DJ blasting "Eye of the Tiger" gets me pumped up again, running, running

11:37 AM I cross the finish line, thankfully with out slipping and falling

Yeah, the winner ended up with bleeding in his brain. Thank goodness I'm not that fast.

12:15 AM I win best dressed finisher award as well.

Everybody gets a mylar blanket as you cross the finish line. I've been using mine to protect myself from alien mind control.

Congratulations to Rick Herbst, Chris Herbst, Adam Pash, Ellen Flaherty, Beth Kessler, and all 33,633 finishers of the 2006 Chicago Marathon!

No Matter What They Say

2006-10-20T00:34:00.000-07:00

I went into a public restroom today and there was a sign taped above the urinal that said "Thanks for Being Beautiful." At first, I was flattered, but then I thought, "How do they know that I'm so beautiful?"

That made me concerned that someone was watching me evacuate my bladder, so I high-tailed it outta there.

Bib #2392

2006-10-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

If you take a look over to your right, you'll see that the Chicago Marathon is only a week and a half away! And although I have been neglecting to update my training miles on the sidebar, thankfully, I have not been neglecting to run them. I feel like I'll be ready to run a week from next Sunday, and I better be ready cuz I'm supposed to be running 26.2 miles that day.

For interested spectators, my bib number will be 2392 and supposedly you will be able to track me online during the race. In this mystical 21st century in which we live, you can have updates sent to either your email or even your phone. Click here to sign up for updates. Its free!

Stop Breakin' Down

2006-10-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was at the Shoreline Amphitheatre for the Download Festival, which contrary to the name had nothing to do with downloads and everything to do with muzak. Unfortunately, circumstances prevented Wolfmother from performing. No, satan's guitarist did not challenge them to a duel. It turns out that the bassist's wife had a baby the day before the concert.

The mother of the wolf was the major draw for me, but I was mildly interested in seeing the rest of the lineup. I had heard that the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs put on a really good live show. Well, let me be the first to tell you that they do not. No amount of Karen O dancing around can make up for boring music, nor were they helped by a lackluster mix from the soundman.

I had seen Beck once before and at that concert he basically told the audience that he didn't like to have fun anymore. Well, its nice to see that the years have mellowed Beck out some. Unfortunately, more focus was on the puppet simulacrum performing behind the band.

Thankfully, there was a diamond in the rough to save the day. I had never heard Muse before Saturday, but let me tell you, those guys rock. And I'm talking the kind of rock where you have to get your foot up on the drum platform just to get out all the rock that needs to get out.

Nerd patrol

2006-09-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

Readers of this blog and people who know me personally might have a sneaking suspicion that I am a nerd/geek/dork/dweeb/... I just want to lay those suspicions to rest once and for all.

A key indicator that I may be a nerd is the glasses adorning my bountiful proboscicus. But, what would a dork do if the earpiece on his glasses broke? Yeah, thats right, sir dweebenstein would tape up those glasses and get a couple of swirlies for good measure.

Yours truly said, "Forget the tape, all the cool kids are using super glue!" There you have it, case closed.

(puts on shades)

(shades now superglued to side of head)

(and he still looks cool...)

Do not pass go

2006-09-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

Regular readers and even those who are a bit consternated, may recall that I recently had a mishap wherein my car accrued a series of parking tickets. What you may not know is that prior to that incident, I mistakenly left my car in a 20 minute parking zone for over 24 hours (no tickets that time, and the statue of liberation has expired, Uncle Stan!). And what you definitely don't know is the tale I am about to relate.

Last Wednesday, I met some folks to see the Whiskey Brothers and play some yahtzee as is our habit on the first and third Wednesday of the month. All was well and good until I made me way to my automobile. Fishing in my pocket for the keys, I opened the door and got in. Now heres the wrench in the works, it turns out my car was being protected by the club.

Normally, one would consider the protection of the club to be a blessing. However, that would assume that the club key happened to be on the key ring that one had in their pocket. For all the arm chair Agatha Christie's out there, you may have already guessed that the club key was not in fact in my pocket, but at home safely tucked away in a drawer.

With my friends' car having left with a full load and the hour approaching midnight, I decided to hoof it home. The silver lining is that I was able to incorporate this into my marathon training by waking up and jogging back to my car in the morning before Rita could get to it.

If there was such a a thing as a parking license, I believe I would have had mine revoked thrice over by now.

I Owe You One

2006-09-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I live in California. And since 99.999% of "Californians" are not from California, the question that inevitably comes up is, "Where are you from, originally?" When I answer Iowa, I am treated to a series confused notions of the Midwest. I told the last person that I had given up defending my home state, so I'll give it one last go and send interested parties a photocopy when the need arises.

Lets start clearing up some of those misconceptions:

1) Iowa is the Buckeye state and you guys grow megatons of potatoes.
It may be tough for all you coasters out there to wrap your tongues around all those vowels, but in order those states are Ohio (oh-hi-oh), Idaho (I-duh-ho) and Iowa (I-oh-uh). Iowa is the one that grows corn and lots of it.

2) Iowa is soooo flat, like I mean soooooo flat. Sorry, contestant, you may have been thinking of other midwestern states such as Nebraska or possibly Kansas. As a matter of fact, some of my fellow scientists have proved that Kansas is actually flatter than a pancake.

3) Iowa is the most developed state in the nation, that must be soooo depressing to look at (I wouldn't even dignify this as a misconception except for the fact that someone actually said this to me). For anyone whose knowledge of where food comes from goes no further than the CostCo parking lot, it turns out that crops have to be grown somewhere and Iowa happens to be one of those prime spots and a beautiful one at that as this painting by Grant Wood illustrates (its rolling hills also happen to contradict that point above as well).

4) If you build it they will come... Contrary to popular belief, if you do in fact build an indoor rainforest in Iowa, people will not actually come to see it. OK, I admit it, nobody outside of Iowa ever had that misconception.

What else can I say:

Iowa, certified by Frodo and approved by the Kutch!

This post brought to you by the Iowa tourism board!

Hot for Teacher

2006-09-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

No this post isn't about me having an unrequited crush on Marvin Cohen. Though being the third most highly-cited physicist and revealing the secrets of solid state physics every Tuesday and Thursday is oh, so alluring.

Nope, this post is about the results from the teaching test I took a while ago. Well, lets just say that I did not score in the average performance range. For example, in the "Classroom Managment Techniques" category, I scored 1 out of a possible 8. When "Addressing Learning Differences and Special Needs" I scored 2 out of 8 and an impressive 2 out of 9 in "Assessment of Student Progress."

Now, there were a few bright spots. Apparently I have a hidden talent for "Working With English Learners," where I set the high water mark at 6 out of 8! Admittedly, I know next to nothing about "Working With English Learners," so all you real teachers out there, go beat my score and start making sure nobody gets left behind!

Lovely Rita

2006-09-03T02:41:00.000-07:00

At the final soccer playoff (we finished third and also third in softball for those keeping score. Woo-hoo!), I drove my car to the game and bought a parking pass from the dispenser. Much to my chagrin, I saw a ticket on the dash of my car when I returned. Seems that I'd flipped the parking permit onto my dashboard upside down.

A couple of days later, I call the parking office to contest my ticket and they say, "Sure, just send in the permit. But, before we can process that ticket, you need to take care of an outstanding violation at the Bowles Lot on August 29." "I have no idea what you are talking about. I never recieved that ticket," I respond. The conversation ends with the scent of mystery floating in the air...

Fast forward to Saturday night. I'm on my way out the door when my roommate queries, "What's up with your car? I haven't seen it all week." (record scratch) Wheels in my brain clicking slowly backwards... What exactly happened on Monday night.

I was on my way back from prison and wanted to grab my computer from my office. Unfortunately, all the temporary parking spaces nearby were taken, so I went up the hill to a random parking lot. I grab my computer, but run into someone else on their way home and decide to walk with them. Now, where does this leave my car? Parked all week in a permit lot.

Back to Saturday night and me sprinting up the hill to my car expecting it to either be towed or have the boot on it. Fortunately, I find it with three tickets on the dash, one for every two days. Luckily, the first ticket is not for my car, but for a car extremely similar to it in most ways except it inexplicably possesses a different VIN than my car.

The final tally:
Lovely Rita 2
Brian Maxwell Kessler 2

We'll call this one a draw.

The Final Countdown

2006-08-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

A while back I mentioned my softball teams inauspicous start to our season. Well, after a 0-3 run we came back with two wins going into the playoffs. And miracle of miracles, we found ourselves at the top of the standings in the semifinal game. How did that happen?

Well, the first playoff game was won legitimately, while the quarterfinal we one by forfeit when undefeated Team Eddie was all out of town at the same conference. Our streak couldn't last forever though and we went down to Osos last night. Tommorrow night brings a rematch with Team Eddie in the losers bracket and a possible shot at the championship.

My soccer team (yay for a sport I'm good at!) had a nearly mirror experience. After a 3-0 run at the beginning of the season we finished out with a tie and a loss. Last Sunday, we were missing players due to various reasons and had to play eight men versus the other teams eleven. We narrowly lost the first game of the night 0-1, but managed to struggle back and defeat the next team 2-1 still with only 8 men (tired, tired men). Tonight we breezed through the next game of the losers bracket 3-0.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to see my teams on to the finals, but just like Kevin Costner's dad, I will be cheering them on and high fiving Shoeless Joe whenever they score.

Black Hole, Son!

2006-08-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

After meeting a perfectly nice man in a McDonald's parking lot (thanks Craigslist), I am now the proud owner of three tickets in the Black Hole for the Raider's/49ers preseason game a week from Sunday. Judging by the fact that the man who sold me the tickets could body slam me one handed and drove a monsterous van that could crush my little Camry, this could get pretty intense.

Luckily, I have a couple of comrades coming in on planes, trains and automobiles. From the corn growing capitol of the world, Mr. Jake the Snake (thats on a plane) Livermore and from sunny Southern California, Steve My Website Still Redirects to the Nuge Heuertz. Its gonna be an uber spectacular end to the summer.

In other news of the day, I saw a car on fire, no wait make that two cars, since one next to the first one caught one on fire. A lot of police showed up and then some firemen sprayed them both down (rather lackadaisically I might add). If you don't believe me check out the ultrahigh resolution picture I took with my Andy Warhol approved cell phone camera. Nothing goes undocumented in the 21st century!

Also, now is the time if you want to start petitioning to be on my team for RAGBRAI next year. I can't let Lance steal my thunder (I announced I was riding first, Mr. Tour de France!). I'm also taking team name suggestions. I have the utmost confidence that our team will surpass Bulldog's Team Pink Floyd in notability. And yes, I already saw that Team Pink Floyd is the third most notable team listed by Wikipedia.

F Minus... click

2006-08-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I horribly failed a test, well at least I hope I failed. I really didn't know anything about the subject matter. You see, the test was for people who want to short circuit the standard science teaching credentials program in California. Now I'm not one of those people, but the Man wouldn't let those people pass the test until they had at least 100 scores to normalize the test.

So, they brought in some ringers like me to set the bottom end of the curve. And I'd like to think that I did an bang-up job. One of my lesson plans (that counted for one third of the test), dealt with teaching an ADHD student. I decided the best way to serve this student would be to provide lots of different things going on at the same time. Afterwards, I found out that is apparently the exactly wrong answer. Score one for me!

Apparently, my "teaching foundations" could use some reinforcing.

Hot off the presses!

2006-08-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

This news story just came in over the wire...

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Doctors researching patient perceptions at the University of California at San Francisco are studying an innovative method of informing patients of their test results.

Patients who normally would have received negative biopsy results in a personal visit with a doctor are now getting those same results in a telephone call from the governor. But, the magical part is that the governor doesn't have to spend valuable lawmaking hours calling up patients personally. Using sophisticated audio recording techniques the researchers are able to playback a clip from the hit movie kindergarten cop where Governor Schwarzenegger proclaims that "its not a tumor."

Many proponents of the technology are pleased that a technique developed by prank phone callers was finally benefiting society, while renowned expert in caregiver-patient relations, Dr. Patch Adams, was just pleased that, "people are finally listening to the radical ideas I was spewing out way back in ninny eight. Now, if people would just go out and see my new movie "The Night Listener," there would be a lot less of that AIDS going round."

7 Different Kinds of Smoke

2006-07-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

I recently returned from my cousin's wedding in Iowa, which you might already know if you also happen to be someone I randomly bumped into (Biddy Barnes and Nick "Chatty Cathy" Barnes I'm talking to you!) The wedding was fantastic and I got to see a bunch of people I haven't seen in several years. All and all it was a good trip, except...

On Thursday night I went out to eat at a place called Hu Hot, which is one of these Mongolian grill chains where you go through a buffet line and pick out what you want, throw it in a bowl and they cook it for you on a giant round table. Now that would all be well and good, but Msr. Steve Wilkens and I had the grand notion that for our second plate we should go for a suicide, ie. one of everything in the line (well, actually we decided on two, so it was more of a Noah's Ark).

As is the case with most groundbreaking ideas, this was not well received. And the person not receiving it was señor stomach. I hearby declare that the Surgeon General put a warning on all buffet lines that combining 7 kinds of meat, 13 fruits and vegetables and 24 different sauces is not a healthy way to build the food pyramid.

In the healthy category though, check out those training miles go up. I'm on week 4 of my official training regimen for the Chicago Marathon. Go, go gadget legs!

¿Quién es kyle xy?

2006-07-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

I recently took a trip down to Southern California and while there I was struck with a singular question:

Yes, who exactly is Kyle XY? I believe he has something to do with a television show to appear this fall. Whoever he is, I am calling his belly-buttonless form into service to help me rate the summer blockbusters I have seen recently.

Superman Returns

The Man o' Steel Returns! And where ws he hiding all along? Well, growing up in Des Moines and attending the University of Iowa of course. A fun summer extravaganza, though Superman remains the most inexplicable superhero. What exactly are the limits of his powers? I mean the guy can spin time backwards, yet he tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time time thwarting bank robberies and other petty crimes.

The Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

Not nearly as fun as the original and not to ruin the ending, but it was only half of a movie. Johhny Depp famously based his character of Cap'n Jack Sparrow on the Rolling Stones' Keith Richards and incredible as it may seem, I believe that ol' Keith may have more life pumping through his undead veins than this movie.

A Scanner Darkly

If you had enough patience to sit through the inane pseudointellectual psychobabble (much like that preceeding phrase) of Richard Linklater's Waking Life you were treated to a visually interesting film. Fortunately, you don't have to torture yourself cause Ricky has made a much better remix called A Scanner Darkly. He replaced all those pointless conversations with paranoid stoner conversations, which are at least humorous to listen to. He also decided to add a plot to the movie, which drags at times, but ends with a positive message for all the young folks in the audience.

Next up on my list of summer movies is You, Me and Dupree starring Behind Enemy Lines' own Owen Wilson. Speaking of Mr. Wilson (Dennis!!!), my subscription to Time Magazine delivered the goods once again as it informed me that Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson are cowriting a new feature. One can only imagine what that will entail...

¿Habla Español?

2006-07-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

This Sunday I was outside in a park working on my farmer's tan while watching the World Cup final on a big screen. While the final was pretty disappointing, it did lead Zinedine (I won't tell you what mysterious visit coaxed me back from retirement) Zidane to deliver a wicked headbutt to Marco (I won't say what the insult was, except it wasn't about terrorism or his mother) Materazzi's chest.

That headbutt made me realize something; I should learn how to speak spanis so that in four years I could watch the Spanish language feed of the World Cup (Copa Mundial for those of you who have a head start) and not have to listen to the idiotic English announcers tell me about how many grapes Italy grew last year while covering up all the action on screen with giant graphics.

The more I thought about it, the better I realized that this idea was. Speaking of Spanish language television, I could get addicted to Telenovelas such as Heridas de amor or Barrera de amor.

Finally, I can take a trip to Spain, which from what I hear is quite possibly the ideal country. Everyone goes for a siesta each afternoon and takes the whole month of August off!

Now you're talking, or should I say, ahora usted está hablando.

Photo Fun!!!

2006-07-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

Faithful readers (are there really any of you out there?), might remember a while ago when I mentioned a rather mundane rafting trip. Well, the photos finally came back from the Edison digitizing plant and here's a view down the calm stream we were on.

Psych!

The real river we went down was this one:
Double psych!

Those are really waterfalls from my trip to Yosemite two weeks ago. My roommate Andrew and I decided to make a blitzkrieg journey up the mist trail to the top of half dome (8 miles/4800' up and back down) in one day. It ended up being a 20 hour day starting from Berkeley at 3:30AM, a long but fun-packed trip. Now you too can ride along with me from the comfort of your home or office (don't tell the boss) on a photo journey to the tippy-top.

The so-called mist trail bore the feared Shamu© warning, "You will get wet!"

The trail winds up past two waterfalls (one of them you saw at the begining) and in June you will definitely get drenched as you hike past and up the ledges to the top of the second. If you look back, you might think, "Hey we're kinda getting high aren't we? But its the good kind, not the kind the pushers are always trying to sell me!"

From the top of the waterfalls the trail turns and begins the real ascent of half dome. After hiking a ways down the trail, the peak comes into view.

(Follow that line of ants to the cables you have to scramble up for the final 300')

This is where the dangers truly begin. You must do battle with the rattlesnake guarding the trail to prove that you are brave (and the stone can not break you, the knife can not cut you, the arrow can not pierce you, paper, rock, scissors).

Don't let all the danger distract you though, you've still gotta take time to stop and smell the roses.

Finally, after much struggling you reach the top, where you can taunt Nature for besting her once again. Look at me taunt!

But don't count your chickadees yet, you've still gotta get down and there's a fast way and a slow way. Warning: fast way not for the faint of heart or those suffering from Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window Disease.

Lets get physical!

2006-07-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in a summer softball league and we had our first game this evening. Unfortunately, we lost 3-5, which is pretty good considering a couple of our players had never really seen a softball before. The game was also called after 5 innings, because 50 minutes were up. That is one wierd rule among many for the league. Since its a coed league, there are a lot of rules intended to "protect" the fairer sex, which the females on our team felt pretty patronized by.

But enough whining, onto the important thing about stick ball, the stats:

Hitting:
2 RBI Double
2 bases on a pop fly error

Fielding:
No errors

Well, I say no errors, because I didn't take any shots to the crown jewels, but there were some plays where someone of a higher caliber could have probably made an out or two. Someone like Bo Jackson.

When I was little and owned his rookie card (worth billions now I'm sure), I heard that he could throw the ball all the way from the outfield wall to home plate. I don't know if thats true. You'd have to ask Bo, he knows Bo.

World Cup Fieber!!!

2006-06-23T01:12:00.000-07:00

So, if you're reading this, you've probably caught the bug, the football bug that is. Who am I kidding? You likely have no interest whatsoever in the global productivity meltdown known as the World Cup, especially now that the lackluster American squad made a hasty exit. Nevertheless, I'll give you my rundown. If nothing else it may give you some hot tips to call your bookie about.

Before today, my pick to go all the way was definitely the Argentinians. They're pretty explosive, but they'll have to get by the hometeam heroes to make it to the final. I said before today, because I also thought that Ghana would give Brazil some trouble at the beginning of the elimination round. Of couse, I also thought Brazil should start that whippersnapper Robinho instead of Ronaldo.

That was before Brazil decided to wake up. Its not that Ronaldo all of a sudden got skinny. Nope, he just started doing what he's always done, sit around at the top of the box and put balls into the back of the net instead of whiffing everytime the ball got near his foot.

That said, the dark horse candidate on my slate is Ecuador. This was a credible inside tip from a friend, but then I saw them get thrashed by Germany. However, they were apparently resting their best and brightest. Speaking of brightest, the Ecuadorians(?) have hands down the best uniforms of the tournament.

We'll just have to see how they do in elimination play versus England and their robotic striker.

Death Proximity Alarm

2006-06-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

I nearly had a go at the pearly gates twice in as many days. The first experience was on the famed interstate 80. I was taking this illustrious thoroughfare the extreme distance of two exits down to Oakland. After merging onto the interstate, I decided to move one lane over. Being the expert driver that I am, I checked my mirrors AND my blindspot for surrounding cars. Nevertheless, as I began to make my move my friend in the passenger seat blurts out "Watch out!" midsentence and I swerve the wheel back. A sweet sportscar comes screaming by approximately 1-2 inches away and promptly slams on his brakes as he realizes that not everyone is going at 200+ mph. Of course, this realization doens't stop him from flipping me the bird when I roll by him a minute later. Yay for roadrage (or roidrage, he may have been heading to Balco for all I know)!

The second time I cheated death was on the East Fork of the Carson River. Alex, my research advisor, is an avid outdoorsman and invited everyone in our research group up to his place near South Lake Tahoe for a rafting trip. He had a raft and a couple of kayaks that a couple of experienced guys were going to use. Alex suggested that people who had never kayaked could take this class II river in an inflatable kayak. Well, Benji made the mistake of instead getting the Cobra Tandem, which (in keeping with its rockin' name) was a rockin' boat, in the sense of being extremely top heavy.

It was a bad sign when he and his wife flipped the boat less than five seconds into the adventure. A quarter of way down the river and many flips later, he and his wife were shivering and looking for someone to take over the Cobra. Kenny and I gave it our best, but after flipping at least 5 times we ditched the boat and sprinted shivering into the 100+ degree hotsprings ate the lunch take out. After lunch Benji and Mike (the most top heavy member of our expedition) valiantly attempted to tame the beast, but didn't even make it five minutes down the river. I took over for Mike and it appeared that Benji and I had the Cobra charmed.

Until we got sucked into a whirlpool! Yeah, they're real. Before this weekend I thought they fell into the legendary category with quicksand and the Big Foot (who Benji claims to have seen in Oregon?!?). As Benji and I tried to take a sharp corner, the current pushed us behind a rock and then the whirlpool caught us and flipped our boat. Having become very adept at quickly righting the boat we jumped back on and steadied ourselves. Thinking we could avoid the pull we sprinted as fast as we could away from the swirling waters only to to be flipped and sucked back in. I threw myself away from the boat and thankfully the whirlpool spun me around but gently deposited me up against the rocks. I clambered out and tried to get around to Benji, but the rock was too steep. Luckily some other boaters in some very manuveurable pontoon boats came along and gave Benji and I rides down to our capsized craft.

After that adventure we didn't flip the raft again, oh yeah, except right as we were parking it to get out, we flipped the Cobra once more for good measure. Take that!

Pure Energy

2006-06-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

I recently passed an important milestone in my life. I'm not sure of its meaning in the cosmos or if its even a universal milestone. Of course, I'm talking about that moment when I added the dance music station to one of the coveted six buttons on my car stereo. Energy 92.7 is firmly in place between the indie kid's station and classic rock.

This happened one day as I was cruising the dials. I came across a bodacious mash-up of queen and the beatles. I figured that whatever this station was it needed to be on my dial. When the break came and it was revealed as the dance station, I was faced with a conundrum, am I the kind of person that listens to dance music? Well, it ended up staying on my dial, and exclusively so.

It's got fewer commercials, you know what you are getting and its been playing Xtina'a new single "Ain't No Other Man." Makes you remember that a couple of those mouseketeers had talent.

Disappointing Moments in Pop Culture History

2006-06-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

No talk of Timberlake-induced wardrobe malfunctions or the seven week actors strike that stopped you from finding out who shot JR. Nope, just ordinary pop culturabilia that came out recently and got three thumbs down; one from me, one from Roeper and one from Siskel (Thats right Ebert, you're on the list!)

Paul Simon
Surprise
The big suprise about this release is how much... I can't bear to finish that, but seriously this album is a stinker. I thought, Paul Simon produced by Brian Eno sounds like a good idea, right? Nope, it sounds like schlocky Graceland b-sides. Wait, that makes sense, Paul Simon hasn't done anything good in twenty years. For a much better collaboration of Eno and an aging rocker, check out Fripp & Eno's Equatorial Stars, but only if you like the ambient side of the moon.

The Secret Machines
Ten Silver Drops
The Secret Machines last album, Now Here is Nowhere, had super heavy drums, monster synths and in general brought some serious rock. With this album, they went much more poppy, and not the good kind of poppy. They kept their indulgent song structure (only one less than 5 minutes), but scaled back all the good parts of their over indulgence. A much better choice for pure rockage is Wolfmother's debut. Seriously, check out that cover art and how can you go wrong with lyrics like, "We've been drinking on the wine, That we drank from the serpents vine, Now we live in another time."

X3:The Last Stand
Plot synopsis: Wolverine cries, a main character is killed off screen, the titular character is vaporized, Wolverine cries somemore, Kitty Pryde tempts Iceman with some Hard Candy, some more main characters make cameos, no one touches a black man's radio, pan out on Wolverine crying. One final question the movie left me with though, remind me again just how exactly Halle Berry won an oscar for Best Actress? Following the rule of threes, I should have known that this was going to be a poor movie. But bucking that trend, Die Hard 3 was pretty awesome. Then again it had Samuel L. in it. Speaking of Sammy, he has the cure for any pop culture disappointment coming out at the end of the summer.

Master of Physicks

2006-05-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I am now a Master of Physics, not to be confused with the much more prestigious Master of the Universe.

As my first proclamation as Master of Physics, I am initiating a contest to determine the song "most-likely-to-be-written-during-third-grade-study-hall." To kick off the submissions, I'll offer my best guess:

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

I'd fly above the trees
Over the seas
In all degrees
To anywhere I please

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

Lets go and see the stars
The milky way
Or even mars
Where it could just be ours

Lets fade into the sun
Let your spirit fly
Where we are one
Just for a little fun
Oh oh oh yeah !

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

-Fly Away
by Lenny Kravitz

Hack Attack©®™

2006-05-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

You're not as safe as you think you are... no, no, thats not me creaking on the front porch, turn back to your computer monitor. Thats right, it turns out its super easy to break into a Windows computer. How do I know this? Well, it started when the computer that controls one of our research group's electron microscopes went down. The company replaced the computer, but wouldn't tell us the administrative password for our own computer. So, ala Senor Da Vinci, we now had a code to crack. To find out how, you could just google Cracking Windows 2000, but I'll save you the trouble (prepare for major geekdom ahead).

1) Create a DOS boot disk (if you kept reading after DOS, I suggest you quit while you are still ahead)

2) Realize that DOS can't read new Windows 2000 storage formats, then realize that this may the first time in five years that someone has refered to the year 2000 as "new."

3) Make a Linux boot disk (whoa, we are into some serious nerd territory now, as an interesting factoid for anyone still reading; I used to prefer NERDS at the pool in the summertime over the frozen snickers, NERDS make little kid's wet hands turn all different colors)

4) Copy the password files onto a disk and start a brute force cracking program (just like Sir Edward Furlong uses in Terminator Dos to break into an Automatic Teller Machine.)

5) Realize that the Linux boot disk came with asteroids installed, mercilously taunt Tom when you beat his high score then cry shamelessly when he gets to level four and doubles your high score.

6) 15 minutes later use the password to break into Windows.

Marketable skills to add to resume: Superhacker abilities on the level of Sandra Bullock

Marketable skill to remove from resume: Asteroids high score

You can sail the seven seas!

2006-05-13T03:09:00.000-07:00

In the past two days, the United States Navy has sent me three, count 'em, three letters inviting me to attend college on a Navy scholarship. Now, Uncle Sam, I'll have you know that I won't join any organization that can't train David Blaine to break a world record.

Dear Oil-of-Olay Wrinkly Skin Club,
I'm still awaiting my official membership card!

Sister Act II

2006-05-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

Some of the more astute readers out there may have noticed that the Mileage count on the righthand side of your screen has not been going up for quite sometime. Now, I've heard rumors that "I've been training, but just neglecting to update the mileage count" and I want to quash those vicious rumors once and for all. I have in no way, shape or form been training for the Chicago marathon in the past two months...

Until today! That's right, I ran a meager two miles this morning. Now, for the gross part. You finished that bowl of Wheaties, yet? Good. When I was running regularly my body got used to the schedule, but this morning I caught my body a little off guard. One mile into the run, nature was calling, and it was on the second line if you get my drift, sonny boy. Needless to say, my second mile was much quicker than the first. Hmmm, I wonder if I could somehow incorporate this into a new workout craze... (I just need to get naming rights from Ace Ventura II)

Over Six Hundred Degrees...

2006-05-01T23:36:00.000-07:00

I saw a couple of documentaries recently. The first, Word Wars, I highly reccommend. It follows three scrabble players in the monthes leading up to the national championship. Its hard not to become enamored with a guy like G.I. Joel who has such an honest view of himself.

The main thing I took away from the second documentary, Fast, Cheap and Out of Control, was that naked mole rats are the world's most disgusting animal.

Need anymore proof?

Besides watching movies, I also cultivated a sweet farmer's tan/burn this weekend. Now, I'm all ready for my trip to Iowa at the end of May. Speaking of trips to Iowa and movies, I would like to point out that X3 will be coming out the weekend I am there. Which means I'll expect to see it with some brodies. Benny Queers, I'm putting you on notice!

600 lbs of Sin

2006-04-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I headed down to LA to catch a Yonder Mountain String Band show with my old friends, Lindsey and Chris. It was a real hootenanny, but since the show was on the Sunset Strip they weren't quite as hootenannied out as this.

Nevertheless, they played two seriously rocking sets. I mean, when was the last time you heard a bluegrass cover of Talking Heads' Girlfriend is Better? It was also by far the best crowd of any concert I've been to in California. You gotta hand it to hippies, they love them some music.

After the gracious hosting of the Byer's family (so much yummy food), Chris and I went out to explore LA's desert origins, no wait, that was on the radio, we explored LA's prehistoric origins. Thats right, in the middle of LA there are bubbling tar pits filled with skeletons from crazy beasts such as the Mammuthus columbi, Smilodon fatalis and the Canis dirus or dreaded Dire Wolf.

While I'm on the subject of bubbling black substances, my friend Paul gave us a generous gift of Coke Blak for our drive home.

For those readers not familiar with Coke Blak, let me tell you a little bit about it:

At the Coke Blak Factory, the crude oil has been seeping out of the ground through conduits and fissures in the coastal plain sediments for the past 40,000 years, the seeps forming pools in low-lying areas.

Fresh sediments from the surrounding hills continued to form new layers of sediments on top of the older ones and asphalt continued to seep to the surface. Over tens of thousands of years, this produced the cone-shaped asphalt deposits found in Coke Blak.

Nanotechnology or Apocalypse Wow!

2006-04-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

The founder of eBay recently put up an absurd amount of money to sponsor a series of white paper competitions at Berkeley. White papers are things people in the Bay Area like to talk about. Other things that people like to talk about are VC's (venture capitalists) and the innovation economy. But, back to the competitions.

A couple of weekends ago the deadline for the Science Technology & Engineering Policy competition was fast approaching. I managed to fight off the lure of sun and ice cream (well kind of) long enough to be coerced into co-writing a paper on the lack of knowledge and regulation dealing with nanoscale (really tiny) materials. The most notable feature of the paper is probably the following cartoon:

If this cartoon intrigues you and/or you are extremely bored and you would like to read the whole paper, you can find it here.

Warning: Author cannot be held responsible for any irrational fears or panics caused by this paper. For a more fair and balanced look at the world of nanotechnology please see Nano by John Robert Marlow.

Thank goodness I'm not in Kansas anymore

2006-04-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

So, I could spend this post talking about how the people who live above me somehow managed to shatter their toilet bowl causing water to rain down onto my apartment (not to mention the apartment below mine). And how the same thing happened at my old apartment last year. Or, I could talk about how my b-ball team Net Force, finished out this season with two wins in a row, which, I believe qualifies as a winning streak!

But, something much crazier happened last week. You may have read about it in the New York Times, heck you might have even been there yourself. Yeah, I'm talking about the tornado that hit Iowa City last week. Judging from this map, it looks as though the tornado went directly through my old apartment.

I hope everybody back in IC made it through unscathed and has dug out most of the rubble. On a sidenote, if anyone has seen my old place, I'd be interested to hear how it faired. I imagine the nice row of windows is no longer there at the very least.

Now, I've just got to get out of California before the Big One hits and I'll be home free...

1.21 Jiggawatts!

2006-04-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

If you wake up and are concerned that you may have accidentally been transported through a time warp to the 1950's where you could end up marrying your mother and causing yourself not to be born, what is the best way to check that you are still in the 21st century?

In my personal experience, your best bet would be to head to the supermarket and go straight for the checkout aisle. If they have installed wierd new flat panel screens for you to stare at while waiting in line, then you are definitely in the 21st century (Its still not all right to marry your mother though).

When I'm in the line, the tv just doesn't do it for me; I go for the magazine racks. Some people out there might prefer Weekly World News or US Weekly, but my drug of choice is Time magazine. Having finally broken down and bought a subsription though, I was left pondering my options.

My eyes were drawn to the Reader's Digest cover, "Normal or Nuts? Test Yourself" Bingo, just what I was wondering a second ago. Unfortunately I was sorely dissappointed. It seems that Reader's Digest can't even trust their reader's ability to fill out a quiz. The 'quiz' came prepackaged with answers about how the reader is just a tiny bit nuts and thats what makes the world go 'round.

This is the last time you fool me, Reader's Digest, by purporting to have original content!

Disaster befalls America

2006-04-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Well, semi-disaster, and by America I mean me. I did two loads of laundry last night and when I took them out of the drier I realized that some of my stuff had black spots on it... no wait, all of my stuff had india ink on it. My entire wardrobe has been smitten by the dark mark.

Looks like its time for me to go shopping (either for Oxi-clean or a new wardrobe).

I saw that it was good...

2006-04-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

This guy:

He just might be the most charismatic man in America. His nephew's band 'Star Death and the White Dwarfs' or more appropriately named, 'little Wayne and the early flaming lips' opened. Wayne was very much digging it.

Once again, the night was struck by wierd California crowds. Even Wayne was taken back when the audience got angry at him for announcing they were going to play a shortened version of a song to practice for Letterman later in the week. Where I come from, we are just pleased to have the rock brought and brought it was.

Highlights included the cover of War Pigs with hillarious repeated zoom-ins on Bush, Cheney, Rumsfield and Powell in the background and the sing along version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, two covers, I know, but what are you gonna do, they're good songs. (sidenote to anyone who has seen Queen w/ Paul Rodgers, how was that Bohemian Rhapsody?)

This movie:

It has a chick playing a dude trying to play a chick. Nuff said. Did they already do that Oscar thing? Cuz it gets my vote for best visual effects (I don't want to ruin any surprises, but Felicity Huffman has a johnson). It also had a really good acoustic southern soundtrack.

Watch Out Thomas Alva!

2006-03-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

I was up skiing in South Lake Tahoe. We woke up to a snow storm on Saturday. After installing my chains we attempted to make our way to the slopes. Unfortunately, the way to our first choice destination of Sierra was blocked by avalanche control. We ended up going to Kirkwood. This made for some great skiing, nice snow and few people, even if it was cold and windy.

When we returned to our car, the snow and ice had frozen over all the windows. Now, this is a common occurence in my home state of Iowa. So, I had stashed an ice scraper in the trunk of my car for just such an occasion. Somehow, this ice scraper had escaped between last spring and now. What was a man to do?

Well, I'll tell you what I did; I improvented a new type of ice scraper specifically tailored to California. The detailed plans are as follows:

Now, you may say, "Mr. Kessler, that sure looks an awful lot like a frisbee." And I would respond, "Well, any Californian with a frisbee in their trunk must be infringing on my patent. Just ask Michael Crichton, no really, ask him. He's got a lot to say on the subject."

Get your tickets while they last

2006-03-19T22:35:00.000-08:00

I just booked my tickets for the greatest show on earth. Nope, not that Barnum and Bailey junk not even the Cirque du Soleil garbage they show on Bravo. I'm talking about Karen Kessler's swan song.

Thats right! On Saturday, May 27 at 2:00 and 6:00 in Cedar Rapids, IA, Karen (my Mom) will be tap dancing to Mr. Sandman as her final foray onto the stage. Get your tickets while they last, cause they are a lot of other proud parents out there. My tickets are already in the bank.

For all the voyeurs out in the audience you can check out my itinerary here.

(Note to terrorists: I heard those particular flights are really lame for terrorizing)

Accident Free Work Days: 2,324 0

2006-03-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

A physics lab can be a pretty dangerous place to work, what with chemicals, radiation, and high voltage. Lets not forget all the dangerous equipment, either. Take our Beckman L2 Ultracentrifuge, google it and you'll get the following hits.

So, there are numerous ways to injure oneself in a physics laboratory, but none of those exciting ways is how I broke my nose today. Nope, I did that by running into a wall.

I was in the hall heading toward the corner when a couple of people in my research group were leaving. They called from behind me and asked if I would check on something for them after they left. I turned around said, "ok" and turned back to go around the corner, but apparently I hadn't reached the corner yet. CRACK! my face goes right into the wall and breaks my nose. I went into the bathroom and got some paper towels to stop the bleeding and managed to pop it back into place.

I'm reporting that wall to OSHA!

Rain, Rain, Go Away

2006-03-05T16:07:00.000-08:00

There comes a time in every young man's life when he realizes that he is becoming his father. This happened to me earlier today as I attempted to sit down, but instead split my pants at the crotch (insert, then delete tasteless joke here).

Now, its not that my Dad is a habitually crotch ripper (who knows? maybe he is, lets not judge), its what I did next that made me realize what I have become.

My first reaction wasn't, "Oh, dang! This pair of pants is ruined." It was, "Where's that sewing kit Dad gave me for my Birthday?"

So, now I have a pair of pants with a sewn-up crotch. And try as hard as I might to ignore it, there is no getting around the fact that yep, they're sewn-up, just like that pair I make fun of Pa for wearing.

I take this whole incident as a sign that I have let my marathon training lapse over this past week.

Make no mistake...

2006-03-01T23:36:00.000-08:00

This wasn't the big one. But, there was a 3.4 earthquake in Orinda this morning. The most important fact about that news story is where it mentions how I finally felt an earthquake.

Now, I'm a Real Californian!

Hope your hump day/rent day/earthquake day was spectacular!

Step 1: Build Secret Island Fortress

2006-02-26T20:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder if I should become a super villain. I've done a few things recently that might help me prepare for a career in supervillainry.

1) Spent a bunch of time repairing an electron gun.

2) Ordered a case of freeze spray.

3) Scoped out the Monterey Bay Aquarium for man-eating sharks.

The only question now, is where to get the millions I need to fund my nefarious schemes. Right now, I'm thinking lotto...

Cleveland Rocks!

2006-02-22T23:22:00.000-08:00

Something very important happened to me recently and you might not have heard, so I better pass along the news...

I was wandering through the Ikea labyrinth when I spied a middle aged lady plopping down in a recliner. She calls across the store to her husband, "I'm too old for decorating! Let's get the hell out of here!"

Now, ain't that America? Speaking of America, the 'Now Hear This!' selection features my new favorite Americana record (that I apparently missed back in 2003). Its by the confusingly named 'Songs: Ohia,' which gets even more confusing when you find out that they have now released two more albums after changing their name to 'Magnolia Electric Co.' (the title of this album). Anyway you slice it, its good stuff. If you like Neil Young, I'm willing to bet you'll like these dudes.

How are things?

2006-02-16T23:50:00.000-08:00

In America, people usually great each other with "What's up?" "How's it going?" or something in that vein. That is not the case across the pond we call the Atlantic. I base this assumption on the form of greeting exclusively employed by a new Irish postdoc in my research group; "How are things?"

Its don't think its a greeting I've heard before and I'm never quite sure how to reply. Is it "Things are...good?" or "I'm good, but things are just so-so." If you've got any bright ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Speaking of bright ideas, if you don't have an idea of what to get me for my birthday next Tuesday, don't fret. I've done the searching for you and picked out exactly what I want. And the best part is you don't even have to leave your home to go to the post office. It's all taken care of for you.

Speaking of Flames...

2006-02-15T23:15:00.000-08:00

So last I heard, the cause of the aforementioned fire was still unknown, but it was in someone's office, not a pyrotechnics laboratory. On the subject of things that flame, the Lips new album is almost a month away and there has been a flurry of news. I'll pass along the highlights:

From mtv.com, Wayne declares that, "Of course there's a lot of stuff about battling wizards and warlocks and people like that, because we're a rock band and that's what rock bands do in some small way."

On Glide, the Sorcerer's Orphan (or Wayne again) describes MY COSMIC AUTUMN REBELLION (THE INNER LIFE AS BLAZING SHIELD OF DEFIANCE AND OPTIMISM AS CELESTIAL SPEAR OF ACTION) "as if standing on the top of a holy mountain shooting lazer beams out of my hands."

Steven even weighs in about the upcoming tour on the official FLips site saying they "have been discussing ways to kick our stage and light show up a notch...pyrotechnics maybe? Ivins' foot-controlled flashpots? Possible! At least there's less hair to set on fire now... Other than that, I’ll just say that we’re gonna have a 2 guitar attack on some songs!"

And if that ain't enough to whet your appetite, they've been confirmed at SXSW.

Breaking News

2006-02-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the first time I have left a burning building. Loud squawking alarms and blinking strobe lights let me know something was amiss in the physics building. The smell of smoke was in the air and someone said they saw some coming out of a fourth floor window. Before I left to come home, two firetrucks had arrived on the scene.

On the bright side, its a good thing I closed our cannisters of methane and hydrogen ten minutes earlier.

More on this story as it develops...

New Genus of Nerd Discovered

2006-02-12T11:06:00.000-08:00

If you are reading this blog, you probably know that I'm a nerd. In fact, you may be a nerd yourself. Now, I've done my fair share of nerdy things, but I think one of the hallmarks of true nerd-dom is waiting in long lines at absurd times of the day for things that really aren't worth it.

I stood around waiting for the rerelease of Star Wars in the theatre. We even got local weatherman Joe Winters and his crew to sing the main title theme with us and continue singing it after we stopped (talk about nerds!) In the days before the internet, getting those primo tickets to the Smashing Pumpkins used to require standing in line at the local Hy-Vee while your parents did their grocery shopping.

Recently though, I experienced a whole new world of nerdity. I found myself at six in the morning on a weekend waiting in line for tickets to the monthly REI returns and used equipment sale. Thats right, I was in the company of Outdooricus Nerdicus. There were old-timers in line swapping stories about the sale at the nearby Walnut Creek store and last month's sale. But those grizzled vets had nothing on us, we made it in the first twenty tickets and went back to sleep before they let the first herd in at ten.

End result: a shiny 'new' $15 backpack (originally $50) that will hold my laptop and other esseantials comfortably.

Breaker, Breaker

2006-02-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

There has been much ado lately about so-called illegal wiretaps supposedly enacted by the NSA. Some people seem to think that the information gained by these tappers hasn't actually provided anything relevant to the war against O. Bin L. Well, I'll have you know that just isn't true. And to prove my point, I'm going to present you with the transcript of a conversation overheard on my very own phone.

Ring...Ring...
Unknown Incoming Call...

Me: Hello?
Suspect #1: Sir, you are going to have to return here right away. That weapon you have is not authorized for transfer. You'll have to fill out a CRC...
Me: Excuse me, I think you have a wrong number.
Suspect #1: Is this Richard Dawson?
Me: Nope.
Suspect #1: I am sorry sir. You have a nice day.

When you read about it in the newspaper tommorrow, you'll know how they finally nabbed Al Qaeda #13, Richard Dawson. Thank your lucky stars!

A little bit about me...

2006-02-05T02:00:00.000-08:00

For any of you readers out there wanting to know a little bit more about yours truly, I've taken some time out of my busy selling schedule to prepare a brief biographical sketch and accompanying video to help you out. May you be informed and entertained.

Brian Kessler
	How I got into the home shopping business was... years ago, a person editing my demo tapes in Los Angeles told me about a friend of his who hosted home shopping. I approached the network, followed up for months until they would audition me...

My favorite on-air moment... will be when someone gives me a banana cream pie in the face. No one loves a prank, or a banana cream pie, more than me.

Domo Arigato

2006-02-01T23:53:00.000-08:00

For Christmas, my sister got me an electric wife. No, no, I haven't become a robosexual. What my sister really got me was something that stays in the kitchen all day long and has a delicious hot dinner waiting for me when I get home. Thats right, she got me a crockpot. And if you don't have a crockpot, you need to get one because they are possibly the greatest invention ever. You dump a bunch of food in there in the morning and come home when its all slow-cooked to a tender aromatic finish. Yesterday, I made the following chili recipe. So, enjoy! And if you don't have a crockpot, what are you waiting for?

Colorado Chili
3-4 frozen boneless chicken breasts
2 cans black beans, undrained
2 cans stewed tomatoes with Mexican seasonings
1 4oz can diced green chilis
1 15oz can tomato sauce
1 cup salsa

Put all ingredients in crockpot and cook on low for 8 hours. Shred chicken before serving. Top with shredded cheese.

You can run but you can't hide...

2006-01-29T22:43:00.000-08:00

I thought I would update you all on training. No, not my marathon training (its going great thanks for asking), but rather a macabre tale of training from the vaults of terror.

I was walking over to the gym this evening when I first heard it,

Unnhhh....Unnnhhh....

It's coming closer

Unnhhh....Unnnhhh....Fuck....Unnhhh.....

Closing faster

Unnhhh....Son-of-uh....Unnhhh....

Glancing over my shoulder in terror, what do I behold?
A woman is jogging toward me with the most horrifying grimace on her face.

Unnhhh....Unnnhhh....

As she finally overtakes me, I notice she has wierd weights strapped to her wrists and ankles.

Unnhhh....Unnnhhh....

Finally, she turns off in a different direction.

Unnhhh....unhh....uh......

Now, what did we learn from this episode? First, don't be crazy and grunt really loudly and yell obscenities in public; its disconcerting and unneccessary. Second, unless you are trying to escape from Alcatraz, running in shackles is not a good idea.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

2006-01-29T17:04:00.000-08:00

All of you daytime tv watchers out there probably already saw James Frey's recent meltdown to infamy on Oprah. No matter what the Oprah-haters out there have to say, one thing Oprah does have is integrity. She realized her mistake in defending Frey on Larry King, admitted it, and tried to correct it.

The editors of Science are also trying to show some integrity by proposing new authorship guidelines in the wake of Hwang Woo-Suk's miraculous results. The proposed guidelines would force each author listed on a paper to indicate his/her individual contribution to the research and his/her view of the conclusions. For those of you wondering what it looks like inside a scientists brain, the New York Times produced a (probably) fake article illustrating this proposal.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I feel like I should mention that this article is most likely plagiarized from a real journal article by this guy.

This whole faking research thing is nothing new though. In my particular field, Jan Hendrik Schon produced a total of 15 fake papers in the journals Nature and Science in 2000-2001. Now, these journals are supposed to be the premier source of scientific research, but they often contain less Edison and more Barnum. Nature and Science articles are all about big claims and pretty pictures, but the journal editors get easily bored with things like experimental methods and statistical significance of results, which get pushed into supplementary online materials if they are published at all. All of this tends to eliminate reproducibility, the hallmark that distinguishes science from hokum.

Which finally brings me to the point of this entry, I am seeking submissions for my new journal entitled Hokum: Return of the Double McGuffin.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

-Mark Twain
Life on the Mississippi

Macho Sunday

2006-01-23T09:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I participated in something known as "Macho Sunday." This is a tradition that a friend had inherited from his Dad of having an all male gathering to watch the division championship football games and eat manly food. My contribution to the food section was tater muffins. And if you want to make tater muffins at home read on to find out how.

Step 1. Arrive with frozen tater tots
Step 2. Realize that the host has a deep fat fryer and decide to "fry these babies up" as per the instructions on the side of the package
Step 3. When instructions on side of package produce soggy/floppy tots, continue frying much longer in an attempt to crispify them
Step 4. Give up on frying when tots become an indistinguishable mass of potatoes and pour potato mass onto paper towels
Step 5. Discuss with host what can be done to make this even remotely palatable
Step 6. Decide, let's put this in muffin tins and broil it
Step 7. Remove from broiler and serve
Step 8. Warily eye tater muffins
Step 9. Enjoy ribs, steak, cornbread and pie

Let's Go! ...To Class.

2006-01-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

Well, a couple of things happened this week. I had the first day of classes for the spring semester. So, I shined up my best pocket-protector and put on my newly cleaned and pressed bowtie to go and meet the future. What does the future hold for me? Good news! In one class, I don't have to show up again for a whole 'nother month.

Another good thing that happened is Neil, Paul and the rest of the cast of Let's Go! came up to the Bay for the San Francisco Sketch Fest. It was a fun time and I got to be the world's greatest tour guide. Example: "This is a statue. This is a tree. Thats a building. If you found this tour entertaining and informative, feel free to tip your hat on the way out."

In case you weren't fully convinced, I think Jack White's collected musings prove that he's completely batty (and awesome), but not as batty (or awesome) as this guitar player,

whose collected musings prove that Japan is probably the greatest place ever.

Amadeus Muzart

2006-01-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

I was in the drugstore earlier today and my attention was drawn to the song coming over the loud speakers. What's that tickling my ears but none other than the intro to the Steely Dan classic, "Black Cow." But, wait, where are the lyrics? Thats not singing, thats a saxaphone! Arrrgh, I've been fooled by a clever muzak producer.

Now, I love the Dan as much as everyone reading this (if you're reading this you do love the Dan, right? right??), but I think we can all agree that a muzak version with jazzy sax and guitar lines replacing the vocals is kinda like having to fill out a form in triplicate.

Why Grandma...

2006-01-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

I only made one New Year's resolution, to floss, and at the time it was mainly a joke. However, I've been flossing everytime before I brush my teeth and I never knew what I was missing. Pre-resolution/revolution, I would only floss if there was stuff actually caught in my teeth, but with this new found habit, my teeth are cleaner, stronger and sharper than ever before. All the better to take a bite out of crime with.

Looking to your right, you'll notice that the out of date poll is missing and has been replaced with a new section, the 'Marathon Corner.' I programmed a little countdown to the Chicago marathon I'll be running in ten months. Since that seemed a tad bit negative, with the counting down and whatnot, I wanted to add something upbeat. My first thought was the cumulative training miles I've run (starting with yesterday's 4 miler), but I'm not entirely settled on that. If anyone has a better positive element for the corner, let me know.

Finally, in case you were wondering, on Dr. John's big hit Right Place, Wrong Time he was backed up by fellow Nawlinzers and the funkiest band on the planet, The Meters. The More You Know...

Arise Lord Vader

2006-01-12T22:33:00.000-08:00

So, the Flaming Lips have a release date for "At War with the Mystics" set on April 4, 2006, which gives them plenty of time to work on "some tracks we've delved into production-wise, where we're trying to get some of that heavy rock'n'roll with heavy guitar riffs." Mars-tronaut Wayne Coyne notes that "we've tried to be more expressive in beautiful ways. But sometimes, volume and intensity are great too."

In the meantime, the Jan. 31st reissue of "The Soft Bulletin" in 5.1 gives you plenty of time to buy a copy for my birthday and a Dolby surround sound system to enjoy it.

But in the hear and now, the first single off their new album, "The W.A.N.D." has been released into the digital void. And, who can't enjoy a track about a homeless guy in OK City who wanders around with a stick that gives him self confidence?

In other music news, Jack White is still crazy.

Can't be Satisfied

2006-01-07T14:23:00.000-08:00

Do you ever think, "Man, the blues suck." I used to think the same thing until I realized that what I thought was "the blues" is actually lame electric Chicago blues. Then I discovered the country blues right off the Delta. Now, I'll do my civic duty and present you with a little introduction:

1. Robert Johnson The Complete Recordings

Song Highlight: "Hellhound on my Trail"
The man who supposedly sold his soul to the devil. For a complete history you should consult Crossroads, which details the Karate Kid's search for the place where the deal took place. Oh, yeah, and he battles Steve Vai as the devil's guitarist.

2. Mississippi John Hurt Avalon Blues

Song Highlight: "Candyman Blues"
He cut this one record back in 1928 and not another until 1962 when somebody tracked him down using clues from the title track. Oh, and the Candyman isn't selling confections if you know what I mean.

3. Blind Willie McTell The Classic Years 1927-1940

Song Highlight: "Dying Crapshooter's Blues"
He has a prolific set of recordings made by the Library of Congress. On the White Stripes cover of his "Your Southern Can is Mine" they sample an interview with him. Though I can't figure out why they wouldn't want to sample the section just prior when the interviewer (Alan Lomax?) is being extremely racist.

4. Son House Original Delta Blues

Song Highlight: "Death Letter"
Son is distinguished among blues men for having two nouns for a name instead of an adjective in front. Besides playing standard guitar blues, he also has some real haunting acapella blues.

Now that I've passed some good music your way, its time to balance out the universe. If you want to be tortured by the fiasco of my "performance" at the physics holiday party then click here.

More Tales from the Stalls

2006-01-06T00:58:00.000-08:00

There is a certain restroom in the physics building at the University of Berkeley that I visit on occassion. What makes this particular facility unique is the graffito battles taking place on its walls. Since the last time I visited this locale the battle has grown more fierce, which this gem will show:

"God is Dead"
-Nietsche

"Nietsche is Dead"
-God

"This joke is dead"
-Me

Best of 2005

2006-01-03T23:56:00.000-08:00

After 14+ hours of travel yesterday, I arrived back in California from the Heartland of Iowa. In the belated spirit of New Year's I thought I'd present a Best of 2005. Well, at least a best of the past couple of weeks:

And the award for best...

Surreal experience goes to the Washington High School Class of 2000 for their appearance at my 5 year high school reunion.

Christmas present goes posthumously to Willard Wagner for sending me some of his unused underwear.

Dad joke goes to Cap'n Bobby Skeers for asking if his son had seen "Backdoor Mountain" yet.

New euphemism goes to the microwaveable treat known as a "Hot Pocket."

Song to ring in the New Year goes to "Do It Again" by Steely Dan.

So here's hoping you had a great 2005 and let's do it again!

From Russia With Love

2005-12-21T00:03:00.000-08:00

Earlier today I was re-enacted "The Man on the Silver Mountain," by which I mean I was skiing with a Russian-American couple. Now, skiing was fun, but this here post concerns the more important subject of Russian comedy. Without further ado, I present exhibit A:

A man is at a farmer's market when he comes across a stand selling gigantic potatoes. In addition to being large, these potatoes are alll sorts of wierd colors and some even have what look like eyes. Immediately, the man says, "These are fatastic. I'll take three!" A woman shopping nearby turns and asks, "Are you sure you want to buy those? Don't you know their from Chernobyl?"

The man replies, "Yes, of course, they're for my mother-in-law."

Now that you have that comedy meltdown under your belt, here is Exhibit B, which was prefaced with, "This is why Russian jokes don't translate:"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest on her way to deliver a basket of pies to her Grandmother, when she heard the pounding of feet coming her way. Naturally assuming that this was a bunch of hunter's coming to rape her. She decided her best course of action was to take off her underwear and lay down and cover her eyes. But, the pounding of feet just went on past and she arose to find her basket and underwear gone. Thinking she got off lucky, she began walking on her way when she heard the feet again. Laying down once more, she heard the pounding of feet go past. Arising this time, she found her basket back, but empty and her underwear neatly folded on top along with a note.

"Pies delivered, underwear washed and pressed" -Signed the Boy Scouts

Yep, Russian jokes.

For all you out there eagerly waiting, my "performance" at the Physics Department Holiday Party has now been ripped to DVD. Unfortunately, the file is too large to host anywhere, but the audio track should be up soon. Enjoy in moderation this holiday season.

Sweatshirt Phone Home

2005-12-17T15:07:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has seen me recently has probably seen me wearing a red hooded sweatshirt. Some people might even say it makes me look like a young Drew Barrymore.

Now that you have a clear picture of me wearing that sweatshirt in your mind, have Will Smith erase it from your memory because that shirt was stolen! (sidenote: for anyone who is still searching for my christmas present, that previous link just might help you out)

Anyways, I was at a party last night and it being cold outside, I was clad in the aforementioned sweatshirt. Also at this party there was a guy who was making jokes about stealing something from the party like the host's microwave or refridgerator. Haha, so funny! When I get ready to leave,

Me: Where is my shirt?
Someone: Was it next to the door?
Me: Yeah
Someone: I saw that guy take it, at first I thought it was Steven's but he still had his
Me: What sort of man steals another man's shirt, especially when its cold outside???

In better news, my subscription to Rhapsody has allowed me to catch up on the music I missed last year. On the right is one such release, Spoon's Gimme Fiction. Pure pop bliss. And thanks to some tips from Adam Hack-Attack Pash, I've been able to incorporate all of my email addresses into my gmail acount. Also, my web-browser has been tricked out with all sorts of useful extensions. Which is getting a virtual jump start on my goal of getting things organized before I leave for vacation.

The Happiest Place on Earth

2005-12-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I did a lot of things; flew in space, visited a haunted mansion, met a robot and was convinced not to kill myself. How did I do all these things, you ask? Well, it took a little bit of magic, the magic of imaginoventioneering! And the only people who have that type of magic are Mickey Mouse and Jesus. So in honor of their 50th and 2005th birthdays, I visited Disneyland (and saw Its a Wonderful Life for the first time). It was good holiday cheer with good friends. Hip, hip, hooray for egg nog and cookies!

In more life altering news, I have been drafted into a powerful task force. And just what might our powerful task be? If you answered, "to run next year's Poughkeepsie marathon," then you would be half right. Because we are planning to run the Chicago marathon next October. Wish me luck as I wish upon a star.

Festival of Lights

2005-12-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

If you are reading this right now, you might have too much time on your hands (and you might be a redneck). But, regardless of how much time you have on your hands (or red on your neck), here's someone who has more.

Happy Holidays from all of us at the Electric Company!

Noah built himself an arky-arky

2005-12-05T23:14:00.000-08:00

So, I received a Christmas mixtape in the mail last week and it made me realize that Ella Fitzgerald has the sexiest voice in the world, especially check her out on "What are you doing New Year's?" An honorable mention goes out to Zooey Deschanel, who does her best Ella impersonation on the Elf Soundtrack. Also in music news, the internet is awesome! Well, at least my Rhapsody music service is. How else can you explain it suggesting that I might enjoy The Best of Edgar Winter. Boy howdy, would I!

Speaking of computers being radical, here are two cool/super cool facts about my research group's computer system. Our server is named Cheney because it is located in an undisclosed location. To get to the members only section of our website you follow the same secret link as featured in the hit motion picture, The Net.

To conclude the complete triviality of this post, I have updated the poll on the right. The last poll finally determined that the ribcage is the worst bone. Now, some may argue that the ribcage is not a single bone, but I'm going to invoke the well known Silverman Rule, which states that "if its all connected its one nacho."

R.I.P. Mr. Miyagi San

2005-11-30T00:46:00.000-08:00

Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita waxes off into the sunset. His spirit lives on in every nine-year-old boy attempting to perform the crane technique.

In cheerier news, the Ig Nobel Prizes were announced a while ago. These prizes were founded to honor scientific research that I wish I was involved in. Highlights include:

The invention of Neuticles.

Determining whether people swim faster in water or syrup.

And my personal favorite, a detailed study of the pressures produced when penguins poop.

Happy Thanksgiving (except for Turkeys)

2005-11-24T22:17:00.000-08:00

Hopefully, all the readers out there had a lovely Thanksgiving. As for yours truly, I had a wonderful family style meal... in Chinatown! Yep, the fam is in town and we decided to do the most American thing we could think of, go be consumers down in Chinatown. My dad is up one cheap duffle bag and I am up one full stomach. A successful outing all around.

Flame on!

2005-11-22T21:18:00.000-08:00

So Coca Cola is starting a campaign enlisting 'rock stars' to shell out for some sort of new coke bottle. Why am I telling you this? Well, because the Flaming Lips put out a video for this campaign. (Warning! Loud Drums will Rock You!) And if you click here you'll get to see a stop motion video involving robots that has nothing to do with coke, so far as I can tell. I can tell that Steven wants to rock hard on those drums though. Other rock bands associated with the campaign, include the White Stripes and the New Seekers.

Legalize This!

2005-11-22T01:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know my readers' opinions on file sharing, but I've finally gone legal. Thats right, I'm shelling out the big bucks to Real Networks for their Rhapsody music service. And by big bucks, I mean $2 a month through a deal with the Berkeley. All the songs download really quickly and you can use it on any computer (if you download the player). You don't actually get to keep the files, but do I really want Silverchair's 'Tommorrow' clogging up my hard drive when I can just hit play again and listen to my heart's content?

In other news, one of my students tonight told me that I might have chosen the wrong career path. What path might have better suited me? Well, I might want to try being a pimp. Because what I do with algebra is what pimps do with words. Yeah, don't ask me what that means either.

Weasley, Weasley

2005-11-20T23:54:00.000-08:00

So, I went to the new Harry Potter movie on opening night. Apparently, I am getting too old for this sort of thing. I base this on the fact that we were the oldest people in the theatre (gross!) and that when Harry Potter took off his shirt, girls in the audience were whistling (I feel dirty now).

Anyways, on to the review! Apparently somewhere between this movie and the last, the girl playing Hermione got a two for one deal on overacting facial expressions class.

Yeah, yeah, smug it up all the way to the bank.

Warning: SPOILERS ahead!!!

2005-11-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

If you read the last post in this blog, you know that I am playing Surf Wax America on a banjo in a month. This started from a harmless little jam session, which was partially precipitated by Gavi (playing guitar and singing) plopping down a bunch of money for a digital eight track to record his band. He had it setup for messing around and we just left it running while we were playing.

At one point I went into the American folk song, "Red River Valley." For some reason I said, "Yeah, you've probably heard it before" and proceeded to sing along. Thankfully, the mike was on the banjo so you can't really hear me sing. Nevertheless, this one should keep you amused for a while.

Bmax tries out for Randy, Simon and Paula

The Sea is Foaming

2005-11-14T00:13:00.000-08:00

Here's a chain of events for you:

1) You play banjo, thats pretty cool
2) We should get together and play sometime
3) Ha, Ha, this is fun
4) We should play something at the physics department holiday party
4) What would be a good song?
5) Weezer is always a good choice
6) Lets play "Surf Wax America"

So, it looks like I'll be playing 90's rock/bluegrass for physicists and their families in a couple of months. Either wish me luck or laugh at the situation, both are probably appropriate at this juncture.

Get the Led out

2005-11-08T21:09:00.000-08:00

Today, I voted, or rather I turned in a provisional ballot (sidenote: why is it still an election if we are only voting on ballot propositions?). Nevertheless, I'm fairly confident that my vote counted for two reasons:

1) I only moved within the same county, which means my old registration should still be valid according to the envelope of my provisional ballot
2) I updated my address with the DMV, which should have updated my voter registration as well

The second point was precipitated by a speeding ticket I earned earlier. This brings me to the next issue of this blog, my impending date with traffic school. Traffic school, much like this blog, is now available on the Internet. But now, I'm saddled with the difficult choice of what school to virtually attend: Comedy Traffic School, Happy Traffic School, Too Lazy for Traffic School, Fun-4u-Fast-2, Simple Fast Fun, Traffic School with Interactive Games, or Improv the Comedy Club Presents.

In the spirit of special electing, I'll leave it up to you the reader to decide. Cast your vote in the comments and a learning I'll go.

Great inventions throughout history

2005-11-07T23:32:00.000-08:00

Earlier today, I had a brief argument about how ingenious the ZIP-code is and how much Fedex and UPS are ripping off the United States Government. They get to use the world's greatest mechanical sorting system without paying any sort of royalties. And all this is happening while the USPS is forced to raise its rates. In honor of this inauspicous state of affairs, I would like to salute Robert Aurand Moon, inventor of the Zone Improvement Plan and its associated codes.

While we are on the subject of ripoffs and rants I have gone on, I saw Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker the other day and he totally stole my schtick about banning bullets. Now, I have no idea how he was in Mr. Movies in Cedar Rapids, IA circa 1995 when I first made this tirade, but I want my percentage of that comedy special!

Culture Clash

2005-11-06T23:15:00.000-08:00

I attended a play put on by the Beijing People's Theatre this afternoon. The play was in Chinese with supertitles projected on a screen above the stage. By supertitles, I mean that they put up a translation of about one sentence from each page of dialogue. So, I definitely did not get all of the jokes or much of the story. In the process, I learned that there are many aspects of Asian culture that I just don't understand.

Specifically, I am talking about the groups of college kids that incessantly practice dance routines on campus. These routines are basically on the level of high school poms. I mean, no one is getting served anywhere in the vicinity. So, what is going on? Where do they perform these dance routines? And why don't they practice indoors?

In other news, Net Force finished out the season with one win. Oorah!

Things I accomplished

2005-11-02T23:47:00.000-08:00

Today, I stepped over that line between man and boy. No, I'm not talking about some metaphorical line or any of that mumbo jumbo. I'm speaking of the mystical yellow line in the parking lot of the grocery store that says though shalt not take your shopping cart beyond this point.

Honestly, I didn't intend to cross the line, I just happened to park beyond it. As I pushed my gorceries out to the car, the cart suddenly stopped in its tracks. I quickly realized I was in no man's land and pushed the scraping cart the final fifty feet to my car and sheepishly returned it to the gorcery cart graveyard at the edge of the yellow line. Somebody should really work out how to make the boot reverse itself once you get back inside the yellow line.

In the news of wierd things happening to me, I was given a loaf of stale rye bread for Halloween. As we were milling about our cars on Monday at San Quentin State Prison, a lady from some other volunteer group came over and said "Here, have this loaf of bread. Its handmade." In the ensuing confusion the bread was eventually passed to me for safe keeping. I'm pretty sure that:

1. That bread was not homemade
2. The bread was not originally intended as a Halloween present to strangers

Nevertheless, it is now residing in my kitchen and I ate some, so I know that there weren't any razor blades in it.

Finally, its a new month and I must once again fill my Flaming Lips quota. Today's entry comes courtesy of Billboard magazine where Wayne says the new album is gonna rock, specifically like Black Sabbath. You'll notice that Paranoid is in the coveted 'Now Here This' spot, because it rocks hardcore and contains such magnificent poetry as:

Robot minds of robot slaves lead them to atomic rage
plastic flowers, melting sun, fading moon falls upon
dying world of radiation, victims of mad frustration
Burning globe of oxy'n fire, like electric funeral pyre

I thought it only came once a year

2005-11-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

So, I saw Serenity over the weekend and it was good, but thats neither here nor there. What was there though, was a surprise on the way home. While walking down the sidewalk on my street, I noticed something out of the ordinary sitting up against the trunk of a tree. I stooped down and picked up two unopened copies of 'R Xmas. Obviously, this must have been a gift from the gods. So, I took one copy and paid the other one forward.

Things to file in the things I enjoy about California folder include crosswalks (yeah, I don't even look both ways anymore, take that $371 fine carman) and Judge Wapner weighing in on the upcoming special election. No on 77! In other news, Frankenstein and Bunnicula tied for least welcome at the monster party. And there is a new poll up that will settle once and for all what is the worst bone.

A thorn in my side

2005-10-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, I was playing some pickup bball. In the course of exhibiting some tenacious d, I came down hard on my left heel. "Ouch," I thought, but brushed it off, much like Michael Jordan when he had the flu. Over the past two weeks, the dull pain in my heel didn't really diminish and I couldn't figure out how I had bruised my heel so badly.

Last night, I finally looked at the sore spot and what did I discover? Not much, except a jagged splinter jabbing deep into my soul. After cutting out the splinter and having some puss ooze forth, my heel feels a lot better today.

The moral of this story is that tar heels ain't just for stopping worms, they keep the splinters out as well. Play safe everybody!

(This post was going to end with a link to the story about how tar heels refered to people in the south who put tar in their heels to stop parasitic worms from infecting them, but apparently that story was apocryphal. Nevertheless, the above advice still rings true)

All Hell Breaks Loose?

2005-10-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

So, I saw Doom on opening night this weekend. And I think most people from my generation associate Doom with training to carry out an armed attack on one's high school and shooting a rocket into Satan's brain. Unfortunately, "Doom: The Movie of the Game" had neither of these things.

What it did have was a lame reworking of the storyline into some fluff about extra chromosomes and 'evil' genes. I don't want to throw out any spoilers, but it turns out Doom is just another zombie movie. That said, there were two awesome things about Doom:

1) The BFG, first called the Bi-Force Gun? but then redeemed when The Rock says, "Thats a big fucking gun."
2) The Rock, being awesome, in general...

In the final assessment, I suggest that you don't go see Doom. And I also suggest that you don't shop at Best Buy, because I would be typing this from a new computer if Best Buy wasn't a podunker who won't accept my checks.

This just in!

2005-10-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Perenial man on the street, Jake Livermore, has informed me that he is starting his own religion. The high priest will be holding ceremonies right here. In case you didn't pick that up the first time, I said right here. Ok, sit back, take a deep breath, its gonna be all right.

Speaking of all right, you should listen to Stevie Wonder's Innervisions, the new 'Now Hear This' selection. On the awesome scale, its way up there, even for Stevie. Too High, Living For the City, Higher Ground and Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing are all solid gold hits. Finally, early reports indicate that Radar may not be invited to the upcoming mash on October 31. Vote early and vote often!

And now in sports...

2005-10-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

Now, when I was a wee lad, Sunday nights were a special night in the arena of sports. It wasn't due to NFL games or the wide world of sports or something lame like that. It was due to one thing. Last night resurrected that long lost glory as my basketball team scored our first victory ever. Yeah, thats right, we're the ones not in last place.

Besides being basketball season, its also the season to give out Alfred Nobel Memorial Dynamite Prizes. As you may or may not know, these prizes recognize the people who are incontrovertibly awesome at what they do. So, I thought I should direct my readers to one of the pillars of twentieth century science. I know, I know, many of you were thinking that such a preeminent scientist as Nils Gustaf Dalen, much like Ghandi, had been looked over by the Royal Swedish Academy. Well, you can thank your lucky stars every time you pass a lighthouse that he wasn't!

Finally, in my algebra class at San Quentin we had the students make up their own word problems to solve. I leave you with a query:

Lindsey Lohan was driving down Robertson Blvd. at 60 mph in her black convertible Mercedes E-Class and being trailed by the Paparrazzi in a tinted Chevy SUV at 80 mph. She spots those tree-jumping photographers 90 seconds before they spot her. How long does it take before they catch up and snap shots of her crashed into an illegally U-turning flower delivery truck?

Breaking news!

2005-10-16T01:29:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not talking about the breaking news that I had an awesome time hanging out on a farm pressing cider and eating potluck (including my decadent french silk pie). I'm talking about this breaking news. Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.

In other breaking news, the Flaming Lips have finished filming Christmas on Mars. They expect to have the film ready for next summer when they are on tour. So that means the film will be released in approximately 2010. Much better news is that the new album is gonna rock. Which should renew hope to the ears of anyone who heard that Chemical Brothers collaboration and the Albulance Driver single and the Bohemian Rhapsody single...

Finally, to close out this news segment, I randomly stumbled across Energy 92.7 FM on my radio dial. Its a dance radio station, but the important fact is that they were playing a mashup of "We Will Rock You" and "Hey Ya." All I can say to that is Boo-Yah!

And Whitey's on the Moon!

2005-10-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Some of you reading this may have been participating in all of the Christopher Columbus Day festivities earlier this week. Yours truly was most definitely not, though I have nothing personal against Topher Columbo. You see, in Berkeley, California, there is no Colombus Day. Instead, the federal holiday is known as Native People's Day.

Berkeley is all about stopping the White Man's oppression. So what other forms does White Man's oppression take? Well, Whitey always wants to put North as up on his maps. Berkeley freed us from that tyranny by putting East on the up and up.

As long as we're on the subject of dumb things, could somebody tell me why UC Berkeley's engineering building only has two elevators and no stairs on the ground floor. The elevators are always packed and you are lucky to get in the third trip round. You could always walk up around the hill to the backside of the building and enter at the second floor. Gosh, these people are engineers, you'd think they could design things a little better than that.

Today's blog entry is dedicated to the ornery memory of Andy Rooney (1919-2005)

The South Takes What the North Delivers

2005-10-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was visiting the former desert known as Los Angeles for my pals, Paul, Adam and Ellen's housewarming party. It was a delightful time hanging out and eating 3 kinds of chili (missippi mud sludge, pseudo-chicken noodle soup and the goldilocks of the group, Ellen's homestyle). The beverage of choice was the new Mountain Dew: Pitch Black II; the sequel to last year's Pitch Black. Yummy, yummy, food in my tummy!

Speaking of things that were in the dark until recently, we also discovered the wonder of Google Videos featuring all user submitted material. If you need some help getting started, here's a search that will introduce you to the world of Dustin Paulson. Ain't technology grand?

In addition to my buds, I'd like to thank everyone who made this weekend possible. Yes, that means, Nicole Ritchie get up and take a bow. It wouldn't have been LA without me seeing you, thinking "Oh, is that Mary Kate? Nope, it's Nicole Ritchie" and nearly running into the paparazzi trailing behind. Of course, we can't forget middle-aged man, who threatened to shoot us if we hit his black SUV. Finally, lets take our hats off to Mr. CHiPs for knocking my 91 in 65 mph ticket down to 80+, thus making me eligible for traffic school and no ticket on my insurance record. Hoorah for people!

Answer me...

2005-10-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

If I told you that I had just played a pickup game on a local basketball court, what two things would you immediately assume were going on in the adjacent courts?

Well, if you answered:

a) people playing full court basketball... on unicycles, then you would be half right

and if you followed that up with:

b) a group of black men shooting dice for money, then you get to take home the grand prize

Just a step to your left...

2005-10-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

Back in High School, my German textbook gave me the impression that Germany was in a timewarp that perpetually placed the country in 1985. Last night, I found out that the German time warp is actually the future end of a time warp localized around Sweden. How did I find this out you ask?

Well, if you can answer me what four skinny men with long hair in flowing shirts were doing in San Francisco last night then you'll have your answer? Whats that you hear, some Byrds chirping? Did Jefferson Airplane just fly over? No, no, its just Swedish rock band, Dungen (pronounced Dun-yen as I learned last night).

I've got a soft spot in my heart for psychedelic acid rock and Dungen took a fiery axe and jabbed it right in there. There was reverb, guitars, drums, reverb, keyboards, tambourines, reverb and even a flute (Ian Anderson eat your heart out). I believe that my psychedelic freakout quotient is satisfied for at least the next three monthes.

Don't Believe the Hype

2005-10-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently, some people in this world believe that David Cross is overhyped, but what about his other half, Bob Odenkirk. However hyped he may or may not have been, Mr. Odenkirk has sunk to a new low in my book. That opinion is based on an article where he puts his boner on the modern-day Andy Kaufman's head (NB: putting one's boner on another's head is the supreme sign of respect and derives from the instance when Socrates put his boner on Plato's head). For those of you who didn't read the above article, it talks about Mr. Kaufman's dream to one day be cool and hang out with rock stars.

That got me thinking about another guy who desperately wants to be cool. My freshman roommate in college was a crazy Quentin Tarantino fan. Now, his movies were all right, but I didn't really believe all the hype. I saw Four Rooms for the first time yesterday and while not his greatest film, I realized that I've bought the hype, hook, line and sinker. Watching his movies is like seeing what a fourteen-year-old with encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture would do with a camera. They only contain the things that you would say, "Remember that part where..." or "That was awesome when..." to your friends as you walked out of the theater. Anyways, it made me wish that he had made the Matrix sequels.

I've been Howsered!

2005-09-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever worked with someone for three months under the impression that they were three years older than you, only to find out that they are actually two years younger than you, but by the powers of Doogie, they started college at age fourteen? Yeah, I guess that was just me. On the disconcerting level, it ranks up there with the revelation that his sister gave Spiderman a cake.

In the "Now Hear This" category, I'm now featuring the Bay Area's own Lyrics Born. If you ever wanted to listen to an overweight Asian man who sounds like an overweight Black man, then this is your album. Oh yeah, and its super funky. According to exit polls, Bruce Campbell is narrowly edging out MacGyver in the battle against the Armies of Darkness. Vote now, or the future may not be safe for your children.

What did I ever do to you, Henry Ford?

2005-09-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

So, to compound the car troubles, I got a flat tire today. It was really no big deal, I was pulling out a my parking spot at Best Buy and noticed a floopy-flop going round. I swapped it in the parking lot and the spare is full size so its not that big of deal til I get it fixed. But seriously, I don't need anymore of this shit.

I also realized that Captain Bonehead stole my camera that was in my car from Yosemite. Now, I don't really care about the camera. It was a cheap point and shoot that my Dad gave me because he got a nicer one. But, it had my undeveloped pictures from Yosemite on it.

Fuck everything, I'm gonna go kill some people (in Grand Theft Auto, not real life, so don't call the secret service or anything).

Gone in 60 years (or longer)

2005-09-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

There are some retarded people in the world. And to all the ignorant jerks who have never been inside an actual car before, let me give you some tips next time you break into mine:

1. People don't hide valuables inside their maps. So, pulling out all of the maps from the passenger seats will not help you find anything of value.

2. If you intend to steal all of the CDs out of my CD case, you may as well take the case with you. Thats the specific purpose of a CD case, to carry CDs.

3. I'm glad that you realized the spare key in the glove box can make the car turn on. But, while adjusting the stereo to play only out of the upper front speaker, you may as well have ejected the CDs from the CD player.

4. I would have suggested that you use that key to drive away with the car, but seeing as how you are unfamiliar with the interior of one, I sincerely doubt that you could figure out how all those pedals and wheels work.

5. Once again there is no magical hiding spot for valuables underneath the driver's seat. Sliding it all the way forward is not going to help you with anything.

So, I suggest to you, Mr. Idiot, that you take a good look at the next car you see and try to figure out what's going on in there, maybe even consider thinking about what sort of things people put inside cars and whether you are interested in those sorts of things.