Colonal Mustard in the Kitchen with the Poison

Ugggh, so I awoke this morning, shivering and in horrible pain as badgers tried to rip their way out of my stomach. It wasn't long before my comode turned into the river from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. As I lay curled up in the fetal position for the next three hours, I pondered what I must have done to bring down Zeus' wrath. Turning the previous day over in my head, I quickly realized that I had just finished off the half gallon of milk in my fridge. Finding the empty bottle in the recycling, I noticed that the expiration date was Feb. 6. For those of you that aren't math whizzes, that makes the milk two days overdue. Normally, two days wouldn't be anything to guffaw about, but this was no ordinary milk. Its inauspicious past begins about two weeks ago in the exotic local of Trader Joe's...

For those of you that don't know Trader Joe's, its a grocery store with organic stuff, really good prepared foods, and decent prices. So, two weeks ago I was picking up some stuff and I knew I needed some milk. And, like all non-communist americans, I only drink my milk whole. Walking along with my basket, I spy the red cap and label that let me know my milk hasn't been adulterated by pinkos in any way. I grab a half gallon and go on my merry way. The next morning, I am gonna pour some of that luscious milk on a bowl of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. But as I open the bottle and start to pour, nothing comes out. I tip it up and try again, only to find a white chunk plopping on my cereal. WHAT? I look inside and see that the whole top is covered with a chunky, curdly, whiteness. WHAT? I sniff it and it smells all right, check the expiration date and its about two weeks into the future. Finally, I get enough sense to look at the label and realize that I bought, "Cream Top Organic Milk." Seriously, WHO buys milk with cream on the top? Me apparently. So, faced with the prospect of no milk or cream covered milk I opt to spoon out the cream and drink the rest of the bottle. Which, brings me to yesterday morning. I pour the last bowl of milk out and rinse the container thinking, "that didn't turn out so bad after all." Little did I know that that Ol' Cream Top would have his revenge...

Further evidence that Cream Top upset the natural order: When I went to the store to get pills to make me feel good, what sort of coupon was sitting on the checkout dispenser for my specific taking? None other than a free quart of Silk, the soviets' soy answer to cow juice. Jesus hates me and taunts me about it.

Case Closed.