You can sail the seven seas!

In the past two days, the United States Navy has sent me three, count 'em, three letters inviting me to attend college on a Navy scholarship. Now, Uncle Sam, I'll have you know that I won't join any organization that can't train David Blaine to break a world record.

Dear Oil-of-Olay Wrinkly Skin Club,
I'm still awaiting my official membership card!