Danger averted!

Whew, it was a close one folks, but finally organized labour gave into my demands. My demands, that they get me to the airport on Saturday quickly, cheaply and conveniently. Thats right everybody, I'm going on vacation next week. I'll be visiting the lovely locale of Fort Smith, Arkansas where my parents now reside. It should be a week of fun, games and sweltering, sweltering heat.

In the meantime, you can start warming up to the new right hand side of the webpage. The new "Now Hear This" selection is an album I hadn't listened to in quite a while, but sometimes you just get jonesing for some funky synthed-out 70's jazz. Besides, it was written by the guy who signed the declaration of indendence's great-great grandson. The chili poll's final results were 50% meat and 50% beans narrowly edging 110% love. Let's be honest here folks, when was the last time you really had chili with 50% meat and 50% beans in it. Its either got a ton of meat or a ton of beans. I'll reveal the true winner when the chili cookoff has taken place. The new poll is in current events. Some of you may have noticed that Tom Cruise has been fully unleashed on the world as of late. So, I ask the simple question, awesome or crazy. And let's have none of this wishy-washy, half-and-half, I-voted-for-John-Kerry stuff this time folks.

How many fags does it take...

( Legal Disclaimer: The above title is a lame play off the previous post's title "How many flags does it take..." and in no way reflects the author's opinions of those who may in fact be homo-gay. )

Today, I attended the LGBT Pride Parade over in San Francisco. Now when I first came to California, my grandfather warned me of the three dangers I would face out West. He said, "You can't go to California; it's full of commies, druggies and homos." So, this could have definitely been a dangerous situation. Luckily, "Safety Kurt" was on hand to keep everything safe and sound. Though, to be honest, Safety Kurt spent most of his time posing, dancing, or making funny jokes during gaps in the parade. Nevertheless, I felt much safer knowing to look for the man in a bright yellow shirt and tight cutoffs if anything got a little too scary.

All in all, it was a pretty fun parade. Some highlights included Dykes on Bikes, Cheer SF, a school rock band doing a version of "School's Out" with altered lyrics and a surprise appearance by the Raelians. The nice thing about it, is the only uniting theme is pride. So, you get to see people from all walks of life and cultures who just happen to be Lesbian Gay Bi or Tranny. There were pretty people, ugly people, fat people, skinny people... wait, nope, on second thought, there was still a disproportionate number of rock hard dudes wearing only their undies.

After the parade, we went over to Chinatown to grab some lunch. Walking through Chinatown on the way to the restaurant, we heard the soothing sounds of a man playing a traditional chinese violin. I suddenly found myself humming along, then gradually singing along. Why should I be able to sing to a traditional Chinese folk song? Because it wasn't a folk song at all. This man was playing a rendition of "Doe a Deer, a female deer..." from the Sound of Music. The world is a mysterious place indeed...

In parting, I leave you with some words of wisdom that I picked up at the parade, or maybe the fortune cookie, I can't remember,

     "Be Proud!
      Be Gay!
      If you can't be Gay,
      Then be Fabulous!"

How many flags does it take...

Apparently, I have unwittingly become a theme park junkie over the past year. The latest excursion was to Six Flags: Marine World today. What makes this particular theme park unique is that, unlike other Six Flags ventures, this one was built over the skeleton of a much shoddier existing theme park. So, what was the original "Marine World?" As best as I can tell, it was the Bay Area's half-hearted answer to Sea World, with aquariums and even a water-skiing exhibition in a very clean lagoon. Thankfully, when adding rollercoasters, Six Flags decided to keep the aquariums and thrilling animal shows!

Now, I hadn't been to a dolphin exhibition since sometime in the late 80's. Lucky for me, Marine World must have heard about this and decided to ease me into the show. The first routine in the "Bank of the West presents the Dolphin Harbor Show" was performed to a little number known as "Conga!" by the Miami Sound Machine. I'll let you guess what the performance entailed... No silly, the dolphins didn't do the "twist," they formed a conga line and circled the stadium just like your favorite school dance/office party. And if the sight of four dolphins doing the conga doesn't bring a smile to your face then you need to call Dr. Feelgood and have him melt your heart of stone.

The only sore spot of the day was my eyes after looking at images of this bugger all day long.

Where's the Beef?

I did it, Lord knows I did it. It took me a week of digestion, but I finally put 'er down for the count. In case the picture above isn't clear enough, "IT" was the All Meat Super Burrito. And by all meat, I don't mean that in place of beans and rice it had extra meat. Oh no, sonny, that baby was a super burrito and then some. The mystic All Meat Super Burrito contains a full helping of boiled chicken, carnitas, carne asada, chile verde, and grilled chicken (though they were out of the grilled chicken for mine) all on top of the regular super burrito's rice, beans, cheese, tomatoes, guacamole, sour cream and hot sauce.

In all fairness, I must admit that I didn't finish it. Indeed, the second foil skin could not stem the tide and its meat juice prematurely erupted as it finished all over me. Irregardless of my dignity, I scooped the meat sludge off the wax paper and finished the whole thing. Though, lurching out of bed the next morning, it did cross my mind that maybe I should have given just a bit more regard to ol' meatface. The judges call this round a draw, but, like Kid Dynamite, Sir Meat-a-lot waits in the wings for the inevitable rematch...

Enter the Tainment

In the world's first ticket presale that actually worked, I now have tickets to the White Stripes show this coming August at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley. As you probably know, the White Stripes rock pretty darn hard (for evidence see the panel on your right). They definitely rocked the house when I saw them play with the Flaming Lips.

Speaking for the Flaming Lips, head procrastinator Wayne Coyne says, "At some point, you need a deadline. That's how the Hoover Dam got built!" Which means, that "Christmas on Mars" will be coming out this Christmas and the new album "At War with the Mystics" will be coming in January or February of next year. In case your a dork like me and just really can't wait that long, they recorded a cover of "Bohemian Rhapsody" for an upcoming Queen covers album. And if you can't even wait that long, "Mr. Ambulance Driver" off their new album will be on the soundtrack to "The Wedding Crashers."

In this piece of summer cinema, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, hot off their success in "Butch Cassady and the Dirt Bike Kid," will be lighting up the screen in comic fashion. But personally, my money is on "3001." This Mike Judge joint stars Owen's Bro' (in the biblical sense), Luke Wilson, as a man who is frozen for 1000 years and awakens to find himself the smartest man on the planet. All in all, the future of entertainment looks very bright indeed.

In other news, Jake Livermore solved the mystery of the last poll. The real answer was that it was a trick question. (Interested parties should consult the Steely Dan Lyrics Archive for more information). The latest poll was spurred by a discussion, nay a "heated" discussion, on what is the proper way to make chili. The question is simply how much of the chili should be meat and how much beans? Note that all answers will not be legalling binding, as the question is due to be settled the only way possible, a cookoff!

Wisdom from my Table

My placemat happens to be a QuickStudy® guide. What is a QuickStudy® guide? you ask. Well, Rob Mitchell (Notre Dame) says: "When it's time for finals review, you don't want a mountain of paperwork... you need bullets; QuickStudy® has them!" But this isn't your run of the mill study guide; this is a study guide for life (as it pertains to college freshman). So, read on and you may just learn the secrets of life.

Laundry
• three tablespoons of a dishwashing liquid can be used as detergent (Dawn is best)

Getting More Friends
• join a fraternity or sorority... choose wisely

Food on a Budget

• raman noodles, of course (not very healthy in the instant form - loaded with sodium)

Parties and Going Out

• have themed festivals for food or film with friends; a vampire film fest could include fake teeth, blood punch, a lot of slicked back hair and Vampires Kiss, Lost Boys, Interview with a Vampire and Nosferatu

Sharing the Grocery Bill

• simply not a good idea
• countless best friends have decided to challenge this fod sharing negativity, only to end up alone, heart filled with rage and hands holding the long awaited yet sadly empty pan scattered with brownie crumbs

Warning

• be wary of heart breakers, they will mess with your focus that could foul up YOUR future, the most important future of all
• keep your feet on the ground, unaccomplished goals become dreams; dreams disappear when you wake up in low rent housing

That's why we say Know It Now... Use It Always.

Satan is behind me

In the good news catagory, it turns out I don't have tuberculosis aka "Consumption" aka "The Red Death" aka "The Widowmaker." In the better news catagory, the cable guy came and hooked up our internet, including our fancy pants wireless router. I could be posting this from my kitchen or even the bathroom, who knows? In the best news catagory, we have cable tv that we shouldn't have (so either we accidentally got free cable or just for the month until we dispute the bill when it comes, either way a good bonus).

Finally in the bad news catagory, I dropped a sock in the toilet. Thankfully, it was a flushed toilet, but I guess thats what I get for changing my clothes in the bathroom instead of behind a screen like the sexy lasses do.

You will find buried treasure

I was eating at a Vietnamese restaurant last night and developed a new game to play with fortune cookies. Four people opened their cookies and read the fortunes, but more importantly they flipped over the fortunes. Turns out, these were the kind of cookies with a word or phrase in Chinese on the back. Lets look at what they were able to say:

I am a Student, Ice Cream, Yes, Are you busy?

Now, if you immediately realized that these words could be assembled into the conversation:

Dude: Ice Cream? Are you busy?

Dudette: Yes, I am a student.

Then you are already a level six grand master of Fortune Cookie Boggle®. Two of us still had to open our cookies. Would we be able to finish the conversation with the combo "Oh well" and "I'll eat it all myself?" The tension was mounting. And the final two phrases were:

In, Bed...

Good Grief, Charlie Brown! That sure was a lame story, eh? And for those of you that haven't noticed, this blog has become quite a bit lamer recently. I recently moved and started working in a laboratory so I have been quite busy as of late. But, you know what they say about excuses, they make your wife into your EX-wife and your kids will only C U on Saturdays and Easter

In an attempt to delame this blog, I have updated the poll. This time the poll is actually a pop quiz. So no cheating, Poindexter! The other update is a new selection in the "Now Here This!" category. If you know something about my taste in music, you know I like my drums loud and pounding. And this recent band has pounding drums galore. So, enjoy!