Update your rolodexes!

Thats right, Bmax is moving on up to the Eastside. And by that, I mean that I am moving on down to north Berkeley. As of June 1, 2005, my new digs will be at:

Brian Maxwell Kessler
1921 Francisco St. #2B
Berkeley, CA 94709

Its probably a place just like yours... if you have your very own pool! Oh yeah, punks, my new place comes equipped with its very own pool. So, when you chumps are gettin' toddler feces all over you at the public pool this summer, I'll be basking in my very own urine.

Eat your heart out Mario Lopez!

2 Br seeks SWM (please no fatties)

If you live in a big city, you've heard of Craig's List. And if you live in the 21st Century, you've heard of Google Maps. But, have you heard that someone mated the two and birthed this glorious bastard child? This magical site has made apartment hunting so much more fun than the old days of looking up an ad and then looking up where it is. Now, if only someone would make a map for the casual encounters section of Craig's List...

In other news, I had a dream last night where I was leaning over John Paul II's body as it was on display when suddenly he grabbed my face and started speaking "latin" to me. This means: the holy spirit was contacting me in my dreams, I got too much pope coverage on the news, or its time for a new poll. Since I'm not Catholic, I'm gonna go with the nuclear option and make a new poll. The results for the last poll had Eugene Greytak narrowly besting the field while Powder failed to net any votes.

The inspiration for this week's poll comes from Tim Ambler, who turned me on to the musical stylings of Dennis Danger Madalone. On your right, you will find his musical video "America We Stand as One" (beware: the file is gargantuan) along with former Attorney General Ashcroft's masterpiece, "Let the Eagles Soar." You decide who should pen the national anthem for America 2.0.

Northpaws need not apply.

This one is for the guys in the audience. I was standing in front of a urinal today when it hit me, not the dreaded urine on the shoe, but the realization that zippers were made for people with right hands. Sure, I probably noticed it before and didn't really think anything of it. But, this time it made me think, "How do Lefties, aka Subhumans, drain the lizard?

a) They bite the bullet and use their right hand like the rest of the Norms
b) They awkwardly reach around and use their left hand and make the guy next to them in the stall feel uncomfortable
c) They put their hands behind their head and take five

None of this would be a problem if the future would just get here. Then we'd all have robot tailors living in our closets who could custom make our clothes everyday when we wake up. Wouldn't that be the cat's meow?

Q.E.D. Report (SPOILER: Nerd Alert!)

I wanted to go to this tonight, but alas, I was here instead. I did learn a bunch of stuff they never taught me in school though. No, I'm not talking about how to carve a shiv from a bar of soap. I'm talking about crazy tricks that tell you if you can divide one number by another number. For example...

Suppose you are hanging out with The Bacon Brothers and you come across 26,217 popsicles and you are like, "Man, how are we ever gonna know if we can each have an equal share of these popsicles?" And Kevin is like, "Oh Schoty, I left my abacus in my other pants!" "Never fear," Mike chimes in, "We're all equal in the eyes of the Lord."

Thats good advice Michael, but here's a trick that'll save you time and money. Just add the digits and if the sum is divisible by three then the whole number is:

     2 + 6 + 2 + 1 + 7 = 18

     18 / 3 = 6

Hence, we can FoRoSoCo in peace knowing that each of us will get a fair cut. No one ever told me about this, and now I'm expected to teach it. There are tricks like this for all the numbers through 10 except for 7. Feeling industrious, I decided to find one for the lucky number seven during a break in class. Unfortunately, the best I could do was a method where you have to divide 6-digit numbers by 7. Johann Carl Friedrich Gauss I ain't.

( despite excellent use of hence in previous paragraph, crossing Mathematician off list of future job possibilities )

I want an alien for Christmas

Right now, I am listening to a CD of music that I would not normally listen to. Lets see what artists are on said disc; well, we've got B'z, Judy and Mary, The Elephant Kashimashi, Bump of Chicken and everybody's favorite J-Pop band Fountains of Wayne.

"Why do you have such a CD?" Good question, Poindexter. I happen to have neighbors with real jobs who were unappreciative of my hardcore rock 'n roll pumping through their walls in the evening hours. After several occasions of wall-pounding they decided to do what anyone would do and drop a note, chai and a mix CD on my doorstep?!? This happened back in December, and a shaky truce has existed since then.

However, my roommate and I had never bothered to listen to the CD and it was forgotten. My roomie got a job in Canada, eh, and moved out this past weekend. In the process of the move, we were sorting out who's stuff was what and came across the CD. And that brings us to this moment in time, when I am listening to J-pop coming out of my stereo.

Game Finshed.
Over Done.

Q: Why is San Francisco great?

A: Because they can have a family beach existing right next door to a not-so-family beach in perfect harmony.

I must admit that I stayed on the family-friendly half, but had a spectacular spring BBQ. We played football, frisbee, and tried to run as far into the waves as possible without getting wet. The ultimate highlight of the day was when a Hispanic family challenged us to a barefoot game of soccer. It was a fiercly fought match with babies getting hit in the head multiple times, but eventually we were victorious as I slammed home the game winning goal. Hope your Sunday was a Funday!

ps. Sunburn sucks!!!

Food and Dancers and Fun, Oh My!

Get your calendar-circling pen ready folks, cause today marked Cal Day 2005. Wha-wha-what is Cal Day??? Well, its the day each year when the University of California lovingly opens its doors to the public with fun and games for the whole family. The most important event being the International House's Spring Fest. This is because it combined the two things I love: food and traditional folk dances.

Lets take a look at what sort of foods I sampled. First off, we have curry fish balls courtesy of a pan-asian group known as "The Rock."



Now, I must say domo arigato to the folks from Japan who served me delightful shrimp balls.



Not really sure what the dilly was with seafood-in-balls theme from the asian representatives... At least the Swedes decided to mix it up with fish eggs in a tube.



Moving to dances, I witnessed a traditional Bolivian folk dance.



I also saw the sauvest 8-year old in the world bust out the alluring tondero.



In the end, what sort of new cultural insights did I gain. Before today, I knew this band was from Sweden, but I didn't know about this one. Job well done, Spring Fest!

In other news, Eugene Greytak has jumped out to an early lead in the straw poll on your left. Don't let this once in a lifetime opportunity to select a new pope slip by, or else we could end up with this guy.

The Neo-gustatory Plan

I have just embarked on a grand culinary journey. I intend to try a new recipe each time I enter the kitchen. I originally thought that I would cook a new recipe every day for a year, but one cooking session lasts me a couple of days with leftovers. The impetus for this plan came when my roommate passed along his copy of James Beard's Cookbook. Thankfully, he didn't send this cookbook my way.

Today's recipe, courtesy of Ma Kessler©, was pecan encrusted salmon. This delightfully simple dish consisted of a honey and dijon spread, lightly sprinkled with chopped pecans and bread crumbs.

Preparation: 2 (1 easiest - 5 hardest)
Taste: 4 (1 yucky - 5 yummy)

The benefits of this new plan include: healthier living, more satisfying meals and getting to look like this guy on the way home from the store.

Voice Over City

I saw "Frank Miller's Sin City" today. I heard good things about it and was looking forward to seeing it. The verdict:



Another verdict is that ya'll thought Terri Schiavo most deserved to die. I figured that poll needed a followup. Since "Who should be the next Terri?" didn't have the ring I was looking for, I went with the poll on the left.

Thriller Nights

I missed the last train this evening and had to walk home. Its an enjoyable stroll in the afternoon, and a fairly innocuous jaunt in the evening. Some things are just spookier after midnight. For example, the twinkling of a windchime may be relaxing on a summer afternoon, but the irregular plinking is unnerving during the witching hour. Snails are completely benign, but the unexpected crunch beneath your feet sets my scare trigger off. A sign creaking in the wind that reads, "Masonic Ave.", creepy...period.

In sports, my B-ball team, Net Force, finished a perfect season on Thursday. If you are wondering what type of perfect season then you will just have to look at the results, won't you?

The Prisoner's Dilemma

I was sitting in class today, as I am wont to do on a Tuesday morning. The professor said something absolutely captivating and I thought, "I must record this for posterity." Glancing down at my notebook, my eyes were drawn toward my crotch, as they are wont to do. Instantly I realized, "Goodness gracious! The zipper on my pants has been unzipped this whole time."

My first reaction was of course to zip up my pants immediately. Ah, but then it would be manifest that my pants had been unzipped the entire class. I thought for a second about who would be looking at my crotch during a lecture. No one, of course. And on that logic, I settled the case by airing out my nether regions for the remainder of class.



You decide if I was wrong or I was right...

April Flowers Bring Daylight Hours

Walking back from the store today, I came across a lovely bunch of wildflowers in the parking lot.



I thought to myself, "What a beautiful spring day. Some ice cream would suit this stroll quite nicely." So, I promptly purchased this Banana and Caramel concoction.



Maybe I should have gotten Butterfingers, as I fumbled the cone coming out the door. Luckily, my cat-like reflexes kicked in and I swiped the cone out of midair. Unluckily, my jaguar-like strength burst the cone at its seams. Refusing to be defeated, I grabbed the broken pieces of the cone and feverishly scooped ice cream into my mouth as more trickled down my arms. Eventually, I ended up with a full tummy and a set of sticky mitts.

All in all, I think it was a job well done. Until next time, may your days be Springy and your fingers sticky...

"Can you cheer me now?"

A lot of people watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. I watch the NCAA tournament instead. Actually, thats a complete lie, but I did happen to see an interesting commercial during the Michigan St./North Carolina game today. A man barking orders into a headset seemed awfully familiar. Then I realized that it was none other than Mike Cassady, oh I mean , Michael Cassady of Fireball Deluxe. The commercial was kinda lame though, so I only give it a two.



Whereas, this ad gets the full five.



In morbid news, the bloodbath continues; Terri Schiavo, Bass Wolf, His Popeness, etc. If the ill will of my poll holds out, Magic Johnson's head is next on the chopping block. So vote now or forever hold your piece.

R.I.P. Bass Wolf

I have some bad news to report. Hideaki Sekiguchi (the bassist of Guitar Wolf) has gone rocking into the wild blue zero. When Jake, Steve and I saw him perform just three weeks ago he seemed healthy as he rocked it hardcore. But, I guess when you rock that hard, you just aren't long for this world. I'm glad I had the privilege of experiencing the awesomeness that his pumping bass provided to Guitar Wolf.

In news of the mundane, this is the week that prospective students visit Berkeley to see if its "the school." So I have been somewhat busy the past couple of days showing people around, taking them out to eat, etc. This is actually pretty awesome because the Physics department covers all the expenses. Though I must admit that I feel somewhat conflicted about trying to convince people to come to Berkeley when I am intent on leaving after next year. Maybe I should just consider it training for a future job heading WorldCom.

Finally, we move to music news. Driving in my car earlier this week, I heard the DJ say, "Now for the first single off Weezer's new album." I got kind of excited, because the new album has the possibility to be Weezer's return to glory after two lackluster albums. Then this came streaming over the airwaves. I'm not really sure how to describe it. It doesn't really sound like Weezer in any incarnation, and quite frankly, it sucks. Maybe the rest of the album will be incomprehensibly awesome...