Step 1: Build Secret Island Fortress

Sometimes, I wonder if I should become a super villain. I've done a few things recently that might help me prepare for a career in supervillainry.

1) Spent a bunch of time repairing an electron gun.

2) Ordered a case of freeze spray.

3) Scoped out the Monterey Bay Aquarium for man-eating sharks.

The only question now, is where to get the millions I need to fund my nefarious schemes. Right now, I'm thinking lotto...

Cleveland Rocks!

Something very important happened to me recently and you might not have heard, so I better pass along the news...

I was wandering through the Ikea labyrinth when I spied a middle aged lady plopping down in a recliner. She calls across the store to her husband, "I'm too old for decorating! Let's get the hell out of here!"

Now, ain't that America? Speaking of America, the 'Now Hear This!' selection features my new favorite Americana record (that I apparently missed back in 2003). Its by the confusingly named 'Songs: Ohia,' which gets even more confusing when you find out that they have now released two more albums after changing their name to 'Magnolia Electric Co.' (the title of this album). Anyway you slice it, its good stuff. If you like Neil Young, I'm willing to bet you'll like these dudes.

How are things?

In America, people usually great each other with "What's up?" "How's it going?" or something in that vein. That is not the case across the pond we call the Atlantic. I base this assumption on the form of greeting exclusively employed by a new Irish postdoc in my research group; "How are things?"

Its don't think its a greeting I've heard before and I'm never quite sure how to reply. Is it "Things are...good?" or "I'm good, but things are just so-so." If you've got any bright ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Speaking of bright ideas, if you don't have an idea of what to get me for my birthday next Tuesday, don't fret. I've done the searching for you and picked out exactly what I want. And the best part is you don't even have to leave your home to go to the post office. It's all taken care of for you.

Speaking of Flames...

So last I heard, the cause of the aforementioned fire was still unknown, but it was in someone's office, not a pyrotechnics laboratory. On the subject of things that flame, the Lips new album is almost a month away and there has been a flurry of news. I'll pass along the highlights:

From mtv.com, Wayne declares that, "Of course there's a lot of stuff about battling wizards and warlocks and people like that, because we're a rock band and that's what rock bands do in some small way."

On Glide, the Sorcerer's Orphan (or Wayne again) describes MY COSMIC AUTUMN REBELLION (THE INNER LIFE AS BLAZING SHIELD OF DEFIANCE AND OPTIMISM AS CELESTIAL SPEAR OF ACTION) "as if standing on the top of a holy mountain shooting lazer beams out of my hands."

Steven even weighs in about the upcoming tour on the official FLips site saying they "have been discussing ways to kick our stage and light show up a notch...pyrotechnics maybe? Ivins' foot-controlled flashpots? Possible! At least there's less hair to set on fire now... Other than that, I’ll just say that we’re gonna have a 2 guitar attack on some songs!"

And if that ain't enough to whet your appetite, they've been confirmed at SXSW.

Breaking News

Tonight was the first time I have left a burning building. Loud squawking alarms and blinking strobe lights let me know something was amiss in the physics building. The smell of smoke was in the air and someone said they saw some coming out of a fourth floor window. Before I left to come home, two firetrucks had arrived on the scene.

On the bright side, its a good thing I closed our cannisters of methane and hydrogen ten minutes earlier.

More on this story as it develops...

New Genus of Nerd Discovered

If you are reading this blog, you probably know that I'm a nerd. In fact, you may be a nerd yourself. Now, I've done my fair share of nerdy things, but I think one of the hallmarks of true nerd-dom is waiting in long lines at absurd times of the day for things that really aren't worth it.

I stood around waiting for the rerelease of Star Wars in the theatre. We even got local weatherman Joe Winters and his crew to sing the main title theme with us and continue singing it after we stopped (talk about nerds!) In the days before the internet, getting those primo tickets to the Smashing Pumpkins used to require standing in line at the local Hy-Vee while your parents did their grocery shopping.

Recently though, I experienced a whole new world of nerdity. I found myself at six in the morning on a weekend waiting in line for tickets to the monthly REI returns and used equipment sale. Thats right, I was in the company of Outdooricus Nerdicus. There were old-timers in line swapping stories about the sale at the nearby Walnut Creek store and last month's sale. But those grizzled vets had nothing on us, we made it in the first twenty tickets and went back to sleep before they let the first herd in at ten.

End result: a shiny 'new' $15 backpack (originally $50) that will hold my laptop and other esseantials comfortably.

Breaker, Breaker

There has been much ado lately about so-called illegal wiretaps supposedly enacted by the NSA. Some people seem to think that the information gained by these tappers hasn't actually provided anything relevant to the war against O. Bin L. Well, I'll have you know that just isn't true. And to prove my point, I'm going to present you with the transcript of a conversation overheard on my very own phone.

Ring...Ring...
Unknown Incoming Call...

Me: Hello?
Suspect #1: Sir, you are going to have to return here right away. That weapon you have is not authorized for transfer. You'll have to fill out a CRC...
Me: Excuse me, I think you have a wrong number.
Suspect #1: Is this Richard Dawson?
Me: Nope.
Suspect #1: I am sorry sir. You have a nice day.

When you read about it in the newspaper tommorrow, you'll know how they finally nabbed Al Qaeda #13, Richard Dawson. Thank your lucky stars!

A little bit about me...

For any of you readers out there wanting to know a little bit more about yours truly, I've taken some time out of my busy selling schedule to prepare a brief biographical sketch and accompanying video to help you out. May you be informed and entertained.

Brian Kessler
	How I got into the home shopping business was... years ago, a person editing my demo tapes in Los Angeles told me about a friend of his who hosted home shopping. I approached the network, followed up for months until they would audition me...

My favorite on-air moment... will be when someone gives me a banana cream pie in the face. No one loves a prank, or a banana cream pie, more than me.

Domo Arigato

For Christmas, my sister got me an electric wife. No, no, I haven't become a robosexual. What my sister really got me was something that stays in the kitchen all day long and has a delicious hot dinner waiting for me when I get home. Thats right, she got me a crockpot. And if you don't have a crockpot, you need to get one because they are possibly the greatest invention ever. You dump a bunch of food in there in the morning and come home when its all slow-cooked to a tender aromatic finish. Yesterday, I made the following chili recipe. So, enjoy! And if you don't have a crockpot, what are you waiting for?

Colorado Chili
3-4 frozen boneless chicken breasts
2 cans black beans, undrained
2 cans stewed tomatoes with Mexican seasonings
1 4oz can diced green chilis
1 15oz can tomato sauce
1 cup salsa

Put all ingredients in crockpot and cook on low for 8 hours. Shred chicken before serving. Top with shredded cheese.