A whole new world

Sometimes in life, you learn a single fact that shakes your deepest beliefs to the core and you are left wondering what's true in this crazy mixed up world. Such was the case earlier in the week when someone told me about the final episode of Quantum Leap. You see, it turns out that the final episode of quantum leap reveals that there are evil leapers controlled by Satan, while Sam's leaps are controlled by God to set things right. Whoa...

Let's take a step back and re-evaluate things for a second. Does this mean that K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider is really the holy ghost in disuise? Can MacGyver walk on water? Down is up and up is down...

Kessler v. Lucas and Wells

Pending Class Action Lawsuit:
Have you been unfairly wronged by Mr. George Lucas? You remember the last three star wars, right? Has Well's Blue Bunny or the town of Le Mars, IA ever rained on your parade? Maybe, you ordered the sock-hop ice cream social, only to realize that you were paying over $100 a person for your daughter's sweet sixteen.

If so, contact Richard William Herbst Esq. to join my class action lawsuit against both of these Evil Empires(® 1977 Lucasfilm Inc.) My particular grievance stems from an incident in LA this past weekend. While strolling down the street, we came upon an ice cream vendor selling, among other things, a Darth Vader® bar from Blue Bunny.

Exhibit A:


Now, don't get me wrong, this bar was tasty. But soon everyone was laughing at me. For the reasons that are readily apparent in:

Exhibit B:


Seriously, how can you talk to a man that looks like that. I have the expert testimony of one Adam Pash corroborating the fact that I, "Look like a fool." Let me assure you that this was no trifling affliction. Exhibit C documents our feeble attempt to mask the damage with concealer and lipstick.

Exhibit C:


Mainly, that just made my lips shinier and changed the shade to a sky blue. I headed back north to Berkeley with my fingers crossed that it would be gone by the next morning. Thankfully, after four hours it had worn off to the point where I could stop and legally get gas for my car.

Judge Roberts it looks like your first swing vote may be coming up. After reading your friend of the court brief in Children v. Wonka, I think I'm in safe hands.

And for those of you on the edge of our seats, there is a new poll up on the right hand side. Bert and Ernie narrowly bested Tom and Katie for the title of soonest to be newlyweds. And the new Now Hear This! pick has me wondering why Frogs wasn't included on the Magnolia soundtrack.

2002

The year 2002 has some very bad connotations for me. That was the year Dylan McCort died. I randomly ran into Shannon, his girlfriend at the time, in LA over the weekend and it brought back a lot of memories. My best friend from 1st through 6th grade, he was the first person I ever knew that died and his funeral was the first one that I ever attended.

The funny thing is, the memories that are the fondest now were the ones at the time that I would have liked to forget. All the good times blend together into one happy almagamation, but the arguments and the tussles are what really stand out. I remember calling him when I accidentally deleted my whole hard drive, since I knew he would get his Dad to fix it before my parents got home. I vividly recall the four hour argument in Ben Skeer's front yard about him taking a video game from my house after a sleepover. And I remember the numerous tiffs when he and Ben became better friends than me and started a band, King Cory, without me.

In hindsight, I realize that I wouldn't have gotten so worked up if I didn't care. One would think this would lead me to think, "life's too short to argue." But, I wouldn't replace any of those arguments with us jamming, hanging out in a parking lot drinking Mr. Mistys or playing capture the flag. Those fights were some of the times when I learned the most about what being a friend is all about and grew up a bit in the process. Instead, I guess I came away with the lesson that life's too short not to care.

Sorry, for the somber blog entry. But, the sun is shining behind every cloud. For some reason, Laurel Smith (now Zmolek)'s middle school webpage has survived intact. You can have fun 90's nostalgia and read a silly story there about Dylan, Ben and Gumby. This is the same Dylan who used to stuff Tahitian Treat from my fridge into every available pocket and put impossible-to-remove objects in my penny jar with that same knowing wink in his eye.

Whoa...

I saw the most awesome/disturbing thing I have ever seen on cable last night. If you turn on channel 28 on Comcast cable in Berkeley in the evenings you know what I am talking about. Let me set the scene for you. A naked woman covered on her lower half by an afghan is accompanied by a paraplegic mute who communicates by pointing a stick attached to his head at words/letters on a desk attached to his wheelcahir. The television show consisted of the woman "massaging" herself with one hand while the other hand is under the desk of the man's chair. The woman made statements about their bodies in a field rubbing against each other and riding the waves of orgasm. This was followed by a prolonged discussion bewteen her and the paraplegic about what the people watching (me) were thinking.

Ain't life beautiful...

Nigerian National Needs Your Help!

Ever notice how awesome spammer's names are becoming? For example, However M. Exculpate forwarded me the following pics (warning immature content follows):



Optische Täuschungen are fun!

Green Onions!!!

My midyear resolution is to always look at food products before I buy them. If you are a regular reader of this blog (highly unlikely), then you may recall that I had a previous run-in with a villain by the name of Mr. Cream Top. This time, the consequences weren't nearly so dire, but the resolution is only going to take two seconds out of my day (unlike those damn five minute abs that always end up taking five and a half).

The perpetrator this time was one, Booker T. Washington. I had sidled up to the peanut butter isle and hastely grabbed the store brand. This evening when I finally opened it I realized that it was the store brand's "old fashioned" version. By old fashioned, they meant that the peanut butter was from Booker T.'s original batch. After some serious stirring I produced a decent consistency from the hardened lump of peanuts at the bottom and the oil slick on top. Then I ate some toast. End of story.

Roll over Edison, and tell Ben Franklin the News!

So, I was eating dinner this evening, and for some reason I had two of each food: two tuna sandwiches, two pickles, two corns on the cob and two drinks. It was sort of what Noah would have served had he been the caterer for the last supper. Well, not everything was really two; I split the corn in the cob into two pieces so it would fit into my pot better. Which brings me to the 1% inspiration part of this story. Everybody likes eating corn on the cob, but nobody likes getting the corn skins caught in their teeth. So, I just need to figure out a way to skin corn on the cob and I'm gonna be a millionaire. It'll be like the cotton gin all over again! (sidenote: somehow I recently found out that the gin in "cotton gin" is short for engine. The scotch in "scotch tape" is just because the inventor was a raging acoholic though.)

Eating corn reminded me of summertime back in Iowa. Something else that reminds me of Iowa is the new selection under Now Here This. The Fiery Furnaces hail from Chicago, and they tend to incorporate nearby geographic locations into their songs; ie. Moline, Vinton, and even my hometown Cedar Rapids. If you aren't hankering for corn on the cob and Quaker Chewy Granola Bars® after listening to that, you should probably see a doctor. I would also like to inroduce you to the recent additions under Friend's Blogs. Longtime pal, Eric Barada, has started blogging his burgeoning career as an air force pilot. Adam Pash and Ellen Flaherty have recently begun digging up dirt on such topics as Matt Drudge's unhealthy obsession with animals over at underhyped.com.

Soylent Red is delicious!!!

For some reason (I suspect the recent email of planets aligning that my Dad forwarded me) I have been eating a lot of Indian food recently, or as some people in Arkansas refered to it: "wierd food." This has led me to the undeniable conclusion that Chicken Tikka Masala has something unholy involved in its manufacture. Nothing can taste that good, its just not possible.

In other news, it appears that President Bush is going to send Steve Guttenberg on a mission to Mars. Yep, thats right, the unremittingly popular Officer Mahoney's comeback train is ready and waiting at the station!!! Thanks Michael Winslow, I knew you were going to send me a Birthday present eventually.

Return of the King

So, I have triumphantly returned from Arkansas, the official home of heat and humidity. It was a pretty relaxing week; I lounged about, played some games with the fam and caught a couple of movies. And let me tell you, if you are going to see one movie this summer, it sure as hell better be Steve Zahn's Sahara. For those of you not familiar with this cinematic masterpiece, let me tell you the secret of its creation. You take the corniness of a James Bond movie, but make James Bond from somewhere near Arkansas. This allows you to put a kick-ass 70's southern rock soundtrack on it. For the coup-de-grace, throw in master actor Steve Zahn and you have yourself a bonified classic. Give your happiness muscles some excercise and go see it!

The other movie I saw was War of the Worlds. Finally, I can definitively answer last weeks poll question. After looking deep into Tom's ever-shifting eyes, it is readily apparent that the body thetans have taken control. This is the unanimous conclusion that ya'll came to in the results of last weeks poll. As a followup, there is a new poll attempting to guess which of the hot Hollywood couples of the moment will be the first to wed (unfortunately Paul and Neil didn't make the cut).