And the Beyonce goes to...

So, I just got done watching the finale of "The Bachelorette." Why was I watching the Bachelorette, you might ask? Well, I made dinner and decided to watch a little television as I ate and flipped on the tube, only to see the Bachelorette making out with some dude. Needless to say that I was hooked and needed to know how this sordid tale of romance and betrayal would play out. About two hours later I was sorely disappointed when reality TV turned out to be a little too real as the Bachelorette ended without a money shot when she rejected both men on the grounds that 6 weeks was too short to form a long term relationship. This got me thinking about the perfect relationship show and Mark Burnett better watch his back cause I'm coming out with "The Player." This show will center around a Bill-Belamy-like character who will have to juggle multiple relationships while the producers conive to produce awkward moments where "Bill Belamy" must explain his way out of sticky situations. Pure ratings gold!

In other television watching news, I tuned in to Chris Rock hosting the Beyonce's last night. Good things about Chris Rock hosting the Beyonce's: Getting to see Martin Lawrence. Bad things about Chris Rock hosting the Beyonce's: Martin Lawrence wasn't hosting. So, the fun part about watching is getting into the heads of the schlocky producers who decide to show Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas whenever anyone Hispanic is nominated or seeing how Samuel L. and Olivia Newton John will react to John Travolta's presentation speech. That and getting to see who has been dipping into Goldie Hawn's massive bowl of coke. This years award goes to Dustin Hoffman and of course Catalina Moreno, while the lifetime achievement award goes to Robin Williams.

Things I saw today:

1. About twenty Calypso Orchids.




2. A rough-skinned newt.




3. A bunch of redwood trees.




Things I heard today:

1. A Radiohead/Beatles mashup of Karma Police and A Day in the life, that was boring and lame.

2. The DJ proclaim that Kid A was hands down the best album Radiohead has ever produced?!?

3. All of this was rectified by this Beatles/Queen mash-up off the guys website.

Things I saw in the future:

1. Jamie Foxx win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for "Collateral"

2. Jamie Foxx win the Oscar for Best Actor for "Ray"

3. Jamie Foxx win the Oscar for Best Performance of 1997 for "Booty Call"

Let It Bleed

This morning my tongue was bleeding. There was definitely a reason that my tongue was bleeding, but still, tongues ain't supposed to bleed. It was bleeding because I burned it severely the previous morning drinking a cup of hot hot tea. I am now suing myself for gross negligence and seeking unspecified damages for the loss of my sense of taste.

On Thursday night, my Shaq-like abilities were once again on display in Net Force's 24-57 loss to Citrus Punch. And by Shaq-like, I mean that I was 0-4 from the freethrow line. KAZAAM!!



In current events, I was contemplating how Hunter S. Thompson wants to get his ashes shot out of a cannon. And it got me thinking about what I would do with my ashes. Well, here's the plan: (And I think this constitutes a legally binding contract) I want my ashes ground up and baked into the cake to be served at my funeral. The funeral will then have a taped message prepared by me where I:

1) Reveal that everyone is now eating my ashes.

2) Play a clip of Charlton Heston proclaiming that, "Soylent Green is People!"

3) Reveal the final surprise twist that everyone must spend a night in my haunted mansion to inherit my vast fortunes.

Don't say you weren't warned!

Dear Miss Manners

Yesterday in class, the person sitting next to me was producing the most unappetizing sounds I have ever heard. I believe that he was throwing up into his mouth and then swallowing the contents throughout the class. I was concerned for my own safety as he appeared to be ready to loose the contents of his stomach on several occasions as he leaned forward precipitously. I am not that well aquainted with the said individual and was unsure of the proper course of action. What are your thoughts?

I also have been participating in a tradition of going to a local burrito shop every Wednesday night. We have become such regulars that the guys behind the counter started calling off one of the girls orders before she opened her mouth. This spurred me to change my order from the usual grilled chicken to carne asada. I figured that if the Carne Asada costs twenty cents more it must be better. However, I was sorely disappointed. Do you think it ws rude of Gordo's to serve me something they knew I wouldn't like?

Uncouth on the Coast


Dear Uncouth,

I am sorry but I can't help you out with Ralph Pukenstein over there. On the other hand, the lesson you should learn from your burrito experience is that pork is the other white meat and that the business card for Digital Maven means Digital Stomach in Norwegian. Also, I've noticed you slouching, try to work on your posture. If you need an example to aspire to, the late Johnny Carson had the most impeccable posture I have ever seen.

Sincerely,
Judith Martin
aka Miss Manners

Bmax's California Adventure

This past weekend I went down to So-Cal© to visit my friends Paul and Adam. It was a fun-filled blast of excitement, mystery and intrigue. And if you don't know the difference between mystery and intrigue, read on and find out. I passed several auspicious milestones during my visit and ranked in order of importance they are:

1) I finally watched the hit movie Cloak and Dagger for the very first time. For those of you who didn't go to That's Rentertainment in Cedar Rapids, IA, every weekend when you were in elementary school, that was the movie that stood on the shelf tempting me with its glorious cover art. If you haven't seen it you're missing out on having your mind blown. Unfortunately, Atari still has no plans to release the game featured in the movie.

2) My car turned over 10,000 miles. Yep, that means its time for an oil change and scheduled maintenance. And for those of you wondering, yes, this does tie-in perfectly with my plans to get the smog check neccessary to register my car.

3) I turned 23.

That about does it for milestones, so lets move on to Sightings of Celebrity's Houses. The first celebrity's house that bestowed itself upon mine eyes was none other than Glen Danzig's. They were humble living quarters for a man of such immense talent and wealth. The only extravagent feature being a gnarly wrought-iron gate. To keep the rabid fans out perchance? Nay, to keep the demons contained within.

In other events of note, Adam, CJ, and I went cruising around We-Ho in a hot ride. We robbed a B-Busters, but Adam and I wigged out when CJ wanted to get Hum-Jobs from some crack-ho's. For those of you not living in So-Cal© you might want to check your slang dictionary in a couple of years to figure out that last paragraph.

On my B-day proper, Rusticles performed in an open mike at the M-Bar. He tore the roof of the sucka. After the open mike, he was followed by another man named Paul, who was followed by an F. Tompkins. And that dude carefully put the roof back on and then proceeded to tear it off three times in a row. Closing out the El Presidento Dayo Laughfesto, was none other than David you've-got-a-problem-we've-got-the-Belushi Cross himself. All in all, I'd call it a good day.

Unrelated to my California Adventure, I am pleased to announce another possible celebrity sighting. While trying to satisfy her insatiable lust for pornographic materials, Emily Eagle-Eyes Light noticed what may very well be one of the sisters from "Sister Sister." In the poll on your left, I am enlisting the help of all visitors to determine the identity of the photographed person. And for all of you dying to know the results of the last poll, Mega-Man's archnemesis beat out Cliff and Doogie by the enormous margin of 6-1.

Better luck next time

Last night, my basketball team, Net Force, (don't you just love it when people make team names into puns with the association that brought them together in the first place) lost our first game of the new season. Last season we went 0-7, so I think 0-1 is a big improvement. Our biggest problem was that we played a team called "The Germans" that as far as I could tell contained no Germans. In fact, I believe the majority of their team was actually of Asian descent. Needless to say that flumoxed us no end. Well, better luck next time.

Which is unfortunately also what I had to tell an inmate at San Quentin when he asked for my professional opinion of his perpetual motion machine (patent pending). The "Jaynerator" (not sure why it was called this) planned to take a battery to start a motor that would then recharge the battery and power other things at the same time. His proposal fully admitted that the motor "would produce more electricity than it would consume."

Well, better luck next time...

For me? You shouldn't have

So, next Monday will mark a gigantic milestone for me. I'll have managed to avoid having a piano or a safe fall on my head for a whole 23 years. Thats right, Monday is my Michael Jordan Birthday!!! Now, I know some of you out there have been racking your brains trying to come up with the perfect gift. Well, you can put away the slide rule cause I'm gonna give you my ultimate birthday wish list right now.

First, I just have to wish for World Peace. And of course I have to thank Jesus since without him the rest of this list wouldn't be possible.

Deux, I would really like a completely functional replica of Johnny Five. Whats that? You're having trouble working out all the dimensions and complex robotery? Well, here's something that might help you get started.

Tres, anyone who knows me, knows just how much I love the thrill of the hunt. And that thrill is second only to my love of the Nuge. Speaking of hunts, you can kill two birds with one stone with this present. Personally, I am all about the Safari, but I would settle on Pork Slam 2005 if you are short of cash.

Fourthly, to satisfy my never ending quest for power I would like to become immortal. In order to accomplish that I'll need the Aubrey de Grey approved Amazing Eternal Youth Chair.

Well, thats it. You can get out your wallets now and send everything to Brian Kessler c/o Birthday, USA

Star-Crossed Flubbers

Romeos around the world are calling up radio stations and dedicating the Beatles' classic love song, "Eleanor Rigby," to their sweethearts. And though Dr. Sebastian Valentine's Day is now a time for amorous companionship, it may surprise some of you that the original intent was quite the opposite. Indeed, Pope Gelasius I sought to replace the carnal Feast of Lupercalia wherein the young men of the town would draw the names of the ladies from a hat. Whatever name the man drew, he was given unlimited conjugal visits for the following year. A tradition that survives today as the Iowa Caucuses.

For those of you out there alone today, take solace in the fact that Rudolph Valentino is also the patron saint of epileptics. So, grab a strobe light or episode of pokemon and start celebrating the falling sickness with me. And remember there is someone out there for everyone.

Forget it Blake, It's Chinatown

Yesterday afternoon, I received an anonoymous tip that the Chinese New Year Parade would be that evening in Chinatown. For those of you on solar calendars, last tuesday rang in the the year of the rooster for our compatriots across the pacific. Since a rooster was crowing in the yard next to me at the time of this tip, I readily concluded that the fates had conspired to send me to the parade. I called up my pal Andrew and convinced him to skip getting groceries and come to the Chinatown parade. We met up and rode the train under the Bay to San Francisco. Arriving in Chinatown, the scene was festive, but not more festive than usual...

Me (to lady in front of restaurant handing out menus): Where's the Chinese New Year Parade?

Lady: Chinese New Year! Yes! Thank you!

Me: Yes, where is the parade?

Lady: Oh, Chinese New Year Parade? Next Saturday, Next Saturday!

End Result: Wind-up one-legged monk talking on a cell phone, picture of Jesus being crucified surrounded by blinking lights, tasty plate of orange peel chicken, and I owe Andrew a ride to the grocery store.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Due to some sort of gross fiduciary oversite, the graduate student assembly approved my friend Dave and I's request for $150 to buy "Karaoke Equipment." As the great Charlton Heston always said, "Ask and ye shall be peeved." Yep, that means we get to go out and buy a kickass boombox. Dance party USA here we come!

In other karaoke related news, a quick search on google for "bmax" turned up the following logo from some asian website.



How could I tell it was an asian website you ask? Well clue number one was that this was the only non squiggly writing on the page. But the clincher was when I clicked to download the picture and found that it was titled, "rogo1." Whew doggies, that gave me a chuckle. For more fun with the Engrish language check this out.

Cultural misunderstandings are fun!

Colonal Mustard in the Kitchen with the Poison

Ugggh, so I awoke this morning, shivering and in horrible pain as badgers tried to rip their way out of my stomach. It wasn't long before my comode turned into the river from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. As I lay curled up in the fetal position for the next three hours, I pondered what I must have done to bring down Zeus' wrath. Turning the previous day over in my head, I quickly realized that I had just finished off the half gallon of milk in my fridge. Finding the empty bottle in the recycling, I noticed that the expiration date was Feb. 6. For those of you that aren't math whizzes, that makes the milk two days overdue. Normally, two days wouldn't be anything to guffaw about, but this was no ordinary milk. Its inauspicious past begins about two weeks ago in the exotic local of Trader Joe's...

For those of you that don't know Trader Joe's, its a grocery store with organic stuff, really good prepared foods, and decent prices. So, two weeks ago I was picking up some stuff and I knew I needed some milk. And, like all non-communist americans, I only drink my milk whole. Walking along with my basket, I spy the red cap and label that let me know my milk hasn't been adulterated by pinkos in any way. I grab a half gallon and go on my merry way. The next morning, I am gonna pour some of that luscious milk on a bowl of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. But as I open the bottle and start to pour, nothing comes out. I tip it up and try again, only to find a white chunk plopping on my cereal. WHAT? I look inside and see that the whole top is covered with a chunky, curdly, whiteness. WHAT? I sniff it and it smells all right, check the expiration date and its about two weeks into the future. Finally, I get enough sense to look at the label and realize that I bought, "Cream Top Organic Milk." Seriously, WHO buys milk with cream on the top? Me apparently. So, faced with the prospect of no milk or cream covered milk I opt to spoon out the cream and drink the rest of the bottle. Which, brings me to yesterday morning. I pour the last bowl of milk out and rinse the container thinking, "that didn't turn out so bad after all." Little did I know that that Ol' Cream Top would have his revenge...

Further evidence that Cream Top upset the natural order: When I went to the store to get pills to make me feel good, what sort of coupon was sitting on the checkout dispenser for my specific taking? None other than a free quart of Silk, the soviets' soy answer to cow juice. Jesus hates me and taunts me about it.

Case Closed.

Join the club

About:
This particular listing is for fans of the character Brian Kessler, portrayed by David Duchovny in the film Kalifornia.

Rules:
1. You must be a fan of Brian Kessler.

Oh, and by Brian Kessler, I meant to say Brian M. Kessler



And you better be a fan, cuz he's liable to bust yo' chops

Nice to meet you internet, how do you do?

Eh, so this is my first post on das internet. I just got done passing my final one hour oral preliminary examination for a PhD in physics at UC Berkeley, which brings the grand total of tests to 12 hours of written tests and 3 hours of oral. The end result is that I am now qualified to join a research group and spend 5+ years working to get a PhD. As appetizing as that sounds, I have no desire to get a job in physics, much less waste that much of my life preparing for a job I don't want. So, anyway, I have no idea what sort of job that I do want, but whatever sort of job it is I assume that it will be in the 21st century so I may as well have a blog. And I start signing up for a blog and figure, "briankessler.blogspot.com" would be a good address. Oh wait, there is another Brian Kessler, and he lives in California, and he started a blog just two days ago. What kind of crazy world is this?

Whatev's, I'm out.