I've been Howsered!

Have you ever worked with someone for three months under the impression that they were three years older than you, only to find out that they are actually two years younger than you, but by the powers of Doogie, they started college at age fourteen? Yeah, I guess that was just me. On the disconcerting level, it ranks up there with the revelation that his sister gave Spiderman a cake.

In the "Now Hear This" category, I'm now featuring the Bay Area's own Lyrics Born. If you ever wanted to listen to an overweight Asian man who sounds like an overweight Black man, then this is your album. Oh yeah, and its super funky. According to exit polls, Bruce Campbell is narrowly edging out MacGyver in the battle against the Armies of Darkness. Vote now, or the future may not be safe for your children.

What did I ever do to you, Henry Ford?

So, to compound the car troubles, I got a flat tire today. It was really no big deal, I was pulling out a my parking spot at Best Buy and noticed a floopy-flop going round. I swapped it in the parking lot and the spare is full size so its not that big of deal til I get it fixed. But seriously, I don't need anymore of this shit.

I also realized that Captain Bonehead stole my camera that was in my car from Yosemite. Now, I don't really care about the camera. It was a cheap point and shoot that my Dad gave me because he got a nicer one. But, it had my undeveloped pictures from Yosemite on it.

Fuck everything, I'm gonna go kill some people (in Grand Theft Auto, not real life, so don't call the secret service or anything).

Gone in 60 years (or longer)

There are some retarded people in the world. And to all the ignorant jerks who have never been inside an actual car before, let me give you some tips next time you break into mine:

1. People don't hide valuables inside their maps. So, pulling out all of the maps from the passenger seats will not help you find anything of value.

2. If you intend to steal all of the CDs out of my CD case, you may as well take the case with you. Thats the specific purpose of a CD case, to carry CDs.

3. I'm glad that you realized the spare key in the glove box can make the car turn on. But, while adjusting the stereo to play only out of the upper front speaker, you may as well have ejected the CDs from the CD player.

4. I would have suggested that you use that key to drive away with the car, but seeing as how you are unfamiliar with the interior of one, I sincerely doubt that you could figure out how all those pedals and wheels work.

5. Once again there is no magical hiding spot for valuables underneath the driver's seat. Sliding it all the way forward is not going to help you with anything.

So, I suggest to you, Mr. Idiot, that you take a good look at the next car you see and try to figure out what's going on in there, maybe even consider thinking about what sort of things people put inside cars and whether you are interested in those sorts of things.

School of Rock

My dad always told me, "You learn something new everyday." Well today I learned three somethings, so I'm good to go until the weekend.

First off, I learned about 'decanting' (WARNING: NOT FOR KIDDIES OR THOSE WITH PACEMAKERS). Yeah, so 'decanting' is apparently the process of emptying one's bladder, filling it with wine from a catheter and dispensing the wine from one's penis into guests glasses at a party. Now, this has all the makings of an urban legend. But, the people who told this to me got the information from one of the Bay area's free weeklies. Ok, ok, not the most reputable source, but the article was about how the practice was discovered after participants started coming down with urinary tract infections. Judge for yourself.

Second of all, I learned how to tell if someone really knows about being poor or not. We were having our weekly group meeting, and my boss was going off about the good ol' days and how he had to walk five miles up hill and someone called out, "Barefoot in the snow?" Then he said, "When someone says they used to be poor, you know how you can tell if their full of it? Ask them what you do when you have a hole in the bottom of your shoe. Well, if they say they say, 'Easy, put a piece of cardboard in there,' then they don't know what their talking about, cuz any poor person worth their salt knows cardboard will only last a day, but a linoleum tile is forever." Believe it or not.

Finally, I learned that Josh Permenter, aka Buttmenter, has a new band in Austin called Peel. One time I played a show with Josh. It was a song he wrote about how awesome Konrad, the German foreign exchange student, was. We wore orange jumpsuits. It was good times. Peel is wholeheartedly reccomended. You should listen up.

Listen to the Wind

So, my associate Joe Enders was doing some research and was able to procure a delightful list for your reading enjoyment. Don't let it influence your voting though.

Ted Nugent's Favorite Nicknames

The Nuge
Teddy
Mr. Crazy
Accompaniest for my Conception
The Boston Strangler
That 70's Guy
Ted Kennedy with Guns
Tarzan Version 2.01(beta)
Theodore-Rex
Cat Scratching Device

Hicky Burrr!

So, there was no jury duty for me today. I had to call in at two different times and both times the recorded voice said don't bother coming in. Well, the robots did something good for once.

Last night, I had some South Indian food. Being and ignorant American, I never really knew that there was a difference between Northern and Southern cuisine in the only counrty that is also a subcontinent. It turns out that all those curry dishes are from the North, while the Southern cuisine consists of crisp crepes filled with delicious goodness and pancakes with the delicious goodness baked right in. Wonderful spiced potatoes were featured prominently in the dishes we were sampling. The only time it crosses my mind that one could be a vegetarian and eat good food is at an Indian restaurant.


Since, Judge Dredd thoroughly trounced the competition for next supreme court nominee there is a new poll up for your voting pleasure. I also want to ask you, do you ever find yourself humming a song for no particular reason, but then can't figure out what the song is? (turns out its the I Dream of Jeannie theme song) Well I've got a set of tunes that you'll start humming, wonder what it is that you're humming, realize that its Mr. Cosby doing some scat singing and smile at how wonderful the world is. Enjoy!

You say you got a real solution

I'm a junkie for the opinion pages of newspapers. I love the professional opnions and even more the letters to the editor. The opnions are always idiotic and uniformed (except for guest writers who are actually involved in what they are talking about), but I just can't tear my eyes away.

Unfortunately, this is the last day the op-ed pages of the NYTimes will be available for free on the internet. After today, you'll have to subscribe to Times Select to read Maureen Dowd's latest failed attempt to be hip and witty. Which also brings up another hillarious thing I love about professional opinion makers, the women have to be "attractive," white, think their funny, and bitchy (partial attractiveness exception: Molly Ivins). Gotta love blatant sexism/racism in America! I salute you Maureen Dowd and Anne Coulter for furthering the cause of humanity everywhere!

Now, to once again go over quota on Flaming Lips references for this blog, I was looking through the Times' Men's Fall Fashion feature (yeah, I was, deal with it) when I stumbled across none other than Wayne Coyne in the "Style Makers" slideshow. Oddly enough, in the photo, he isn't donning one of his trademark white suits. If you want to see style-making though, you should check out the The Fearless Freaks documentary, which features Wayne mowing his yard in suspenders and a shirt borrowed from Mark Twain with bright green galoshes.

Hold Me Closer...

Yesterday night, I attended The National Ballet of China performing Raise the Red Lantern. I think it was the first ballet I've ever been to, but it was really entertaining. I'll admit that I'm a sucker for gimmicky stuff like a rape scene performed in silloutte where eventually the dancers burst through the paper walls onto the front of the stage and snowfall over the entire stage at the end of the execution. It didn't hurt that we were in the rich-old-white-person section since we got our tickets at one quarter price (half off on two-for-one). Now, I don't really know anything about ballet, but I do know that dancers have the most incredible bodies. Because the whole focus is on movement, every muscle is toned to make motion as effortless as possible. They aren't too skinny or Schwarzeneggered, everything is in the proper proportion. For example, have you ever seen Beyonce.


I doubt that anyone save me is probably interested in this, but the Flaming Lips have new songs posted on their mySpace site. They seem like rough cuts of possible songs for their upcoming album "At War with the Mystics." Stylistically, they are kind of plodding, and unfortunately Wayne's vocals are at about the same level as "Thank You Jack White (for the Fiber Optic Jesus that you Gave Me)." It seems that singing the "wrong" way for twenty years will eventually take its toll on your vocal cords.

From Downtown!

So, Net Force had our preseason opener against "Team Anonymous" tonight. They needed to get the refs practice, so they called only the best teams to test their mettle. Unfortunately, all of the best teams were on the And1 tour and so they called up the team that "Can't buy a bucket!" namely us. But, we've improved considerably in the interim and picked up a couple of juco transfers. So, the season is looking all right this year. We completely dominated the scrimmage, but to be fair we did have at least a foot on each of their players. Personally, I think it may have been our snazzy new shirts that threw them off.



Boom-shaka-laka!

Just say Om

When you ask yourself, what exactly have the French contributed to the advancement of civilization? Of course there's the Croissan'wich and black-and-white horizontal striped shirts. But if you dig deeper, you'll find a little gem of a film called The Fantastic Planet. Its an incredible animated movie from the seventies that is sort of Dr. Suess meets Salvador Dali while listening to psychedelic funk. Needless to say, you should watch it if you know whats good for you. As a side effect, I really want to watch some Jacques Cousteau documentaries now...

Lord Montfalcon Ponders the Cosmos

I have just returned from a journey through such towns as Chinese Camp and Copperopolis. Now, why was I on such a journey? To show those stinking terrorists who really owns 9/11. My roomie, Andrew, and I took a trip to Yosemite National Park this weekend. Yeah, Osama, one of United States' National Parks, ever heard of 'em?

The National Park system is one of the things that make America a great country to live in, which is why it makes perfect sense that 90% of the people we met on the trail were from the not-USA. In particular, there were enough Aussies to field two rugby teams and they kept throwing out good-d'y mates from here to Sydney.

After a freezing night (26 degrees as we left in the morning) in Sierra National Forest, we headed up the John Muir approved Half Dome. Now, Half Dome is probably the most aptly named peak I can think of, except of course for the Tetons. The hike went past two waterfalls and culminated with a scramble up a rock face while clutching cables to arrive at the summit of Half Dome with its thousands of feet of sheer cliff face and vertigo inspiring views.

On one final note, anyone who knows where the title of this blog comes from is no longer my friend...
They're my best friend!

Best Western

So, I was standing in line at the store today and my eyes were drawn to the bargain dvds lining the shelves near the counter. In particular, I was intrigued by a collection of "The Greatest Westerns." With eighteen of the greatest westerns ever, I was sure this would have all my favorites such as: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Magnificent Seven and High Noon. Well, it didn't have any of these films, but it did have the one western no collection would be complete without. Thats right, it had Cisco Kid: The Gay Amigo.

I realize that this probably isn't the best time to make this statement, but I miss thunderstorms. It hasn't rained here in months and when it does rain, its always a steady rain, never any lightning and thunder. I miss the anticipation of a humid summer night when the storm is rolling in and the clouds are flickering in the distance. Then the wind dies down and you can smell the dusty scent of rain. And finally, the sky comes crashing down...

Mustachio über alles

Have you ever had to wait in line for an elevator? And only fit on the third one that passes by your floor? One would think that the engineering building on campus would be well designed. Well, yeah, one would think that they could at least be up to fire code. Where are the stairwells in that dang building?

Anyways, this poll nonsense has gone on long enough. I have decided to call the vote for the country of Germany as a whole, since they clearly bested the american crime-fighting/fight-criming contingent. The new poll seeks to probe the public's mind as to the best contestant to fill the newly opened Supreme Court vacancy. So, vote away!

Goodbye Cruel World...

I'm off to join the circus! Thats right folks, I've decided to shuffle off this mortal coil in the slowest manner possible, by decadently eating myself to an early grave. If you reach back in time, you can see the beginings of this path chronicled in blog form. You'll notice, one of the goals of that blog post was healthier living. Well, I've continued to follow Mr. Beard's recipes, though more so his dictums, which can effectively be boiled down to:

When in doubt add more butter and wrap it in bacon!

With such advice, you may wonder how ole Jimmy himself coped with his strategies for frying, sauteing and pouring fatty, fatty sauces over mounds of meat. Well, as this picture shows, I think he did quite admirably for himself.

All in all, the bacon-wrapped gravy train to Heartattacksville is not a bad way to go.

In some sort of Dewey v. Truman fiasco, the poll is once again locked up at five apiece. Now, a brand-spanking new poll is waiting in the wings. So, hopefully, a winner will be decided soon. I just can't take the suspense.

Shrinkage

My apartment complex has a pool, which I had never used before. Yesterday, I found out exactly why. The end of summer is fast approaching and my roommate, Andrew, and I decided that we should go swimming before summer was over. Mind you, we didn't make this decision in the middle of the afternoon when it was sunny and hot. No, No, we made this decision at 6pm when the sky had clouded over and the temperature had dropped precipitously.

We jumped in and were immediately clutched at by the icy hand of death. Somehow we managed to convince ourselves that, "we would get used to it" and "it wasn't so bad if you kept moving." After about twenty minutes, those excuses weren't holding any water when Andrew noticed that I was shaking uncontrolably.

As we were drying off, Andrew realized that large patches of his body were numb when he couldn't feel the towel on his skin. It wasn't until I was under a stream of hot water that I looked at my hands and noticed that they were blue and purple. All in all, I think we made a good decision.

In other news, due to some sort of exit poll mishap, the contest for "Best Mustache" is now locked-up at four apiece for the Kaiser, the Fuhrer and the PI. As soon as this deadlock is broken, a winner will be declared. So vote early and vote often.

Upwards to the Vanguard!

So, I'm a scientist and whatever, and one of my jobs, besides wearing a lab coat and latex gloves, is to stay on the cutting edge of breakthroughs, inventions and do-dads. In that vein, I have decided to present a news of the future segment.

Do you wish you were Spiderman?

Well, if scientists at the University of Manchester have their way, you'll be clambering up buildings in no time. By mimicking the Gecko's ability to climb walls and sell Progressive car insurance, they developed synthetic skin that allows a toy Spiderman (played by Peter Parker in the picture) to hang from the ceiling.



Are you a nerd?

Whose glasses fog up everytime a hot chick waltzes into the room. Some of your fellow nerds over at MIT ma be able to help you out. They developed a new coating for glass that doesn't fog up and eliminates glare. My only question is does it work on Aviators?



Are you a robot?

Well, then good luck posting a comment on this blog. Thats because I now force you to enter the text from a picture to comment. Take that Skynet!