Going Postal

Man, the Postal Service pisses me off! And no I'm not talking about Death Cab II. Nope, I'm talking bought those guys that come rain or shine are gonna screw me over.

The first infraction they committed was stealing a book I had sent. Note I said stealing not losing, which is true because they delivered the empty package with the accompanying letter. I re-sent the book, but the original was a signed copy. Its not like I can call up Chucky P to have him sign another copy.

Strike two, I asked my mother to send me an old crock pot. When it arrived today, the glass top was completely shattered. And to top it all off, I cut my knuckle on the broken glass and it bled all over the place.

Oh, thats right, John E. Potter, you'll be seeing me at the National Postal Forum and I don't think you'll like what I have to say.

Books and Pens

So, summer has officially ended (boo!) and the semester has begun (boo-urns!). I woke up this morning wondering why Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" was the theme song of my dream and thought that I should probably get some notebooks and whatnot for the coming boredom. Strolling into Walgreen's, I noticed that the selection was fairly picked over. Not thinking much of it, I grabbed the cheapest notebooks and folders I could find and headed off to class. Only when I arrived at class did I realize that I had grabbed the wideruled version. Now, anyone who has seen my handwriting knows that I don't need any help to make it look like I never graduated from the third grade. Score one for Mead! Whoa-ly poop, say it ain't so. Has the Trapper-Keeper been discontinued??? All I see is the Trapper, but no Keeper. What has the world coming to?

Speaking of mass insanity, how 'bout this real estate boom? Some Alan Greensapn guy kept going on and on about irational exuberance and I was all like, "Heard it before bub." If you ask me, the real dough to be made is in virtual real estate. For example, check out this prime piece of cyberspace thats only going for ten thousand gee's.

In other news, the Kaiser has overtaken the Fuhrer as the new leading mousetache. This poll is going fast so vote now or forever hold your piece.

I have one last question for you all. Have you ever washed your towel in the laundry, but not quite dried it thouroughly before folding it up, and then pulled it out to use it, but when you get done taking a shower and dry off, instead of so fresh and so clean, you smell just a little bit moldy?

Yeah, me neither.

Flaunting Death Once More

Once again, my decision making ability when it comes to food has put me nearer to the icy clutch of death. But, since you are reading this I obviously escaped unscathed. This time the culprit was some homemade sushi. Since neither me or my two accomplices had ever made sushi before, we asked the guy behind the counter at the fish market what type of fish to get and he must not have steered us wrong. To be honest the most suspicious part of the sushi was the unripened avocado.

You might notice to your right that I have updated the "Now Hear This!" section to feature Doolittle by the Pixies. This isn't because I have been listening to it on my stereo though. For the past week, I've woken up to the sounds of the Pixies trickling down from the apartment above. Nevertheless, its a good album and I figure the person above me is just paying it forward.

Attn: All Bounty Hunters/Bailbondsmen

Yours truly has just been declared an official resident of the State of California. This involved me sending in a bunch of junk proving that I actually lived in California, drove my car in California, paid taxes in California, voted in California, etc. I think on the voting in California I went above and beyond the call of duty by voting voting straight party line on an exclusive California-only party. Finally, they needed me to deliver a letter proving that I wasn't a roustabout this summer.

Now, what would make a waiting room visit a little more enjoyable? Well, for starters you could have the poor sound-absorbing cubicle of the residency officer right next to me. Then you could have a trust fund baby enter to debate her denied residency status. Well, I never knew anyone with a trust fund before, but apparently they get loans from their aunt instead of the bank, and gifts from dead grandparents, and anonymous donations that bring their income up to $20,000 a year. So, needless to say, she did not satisfy the financial independence requirement.

After that, a residency officer met with me for about a minute. Then he looked at my letter pressed a button on his keyboard and I was instantly transformed into a resident of California. My official state-issue sunglasses will arrive in four to six weeks.

Oh, yeah, I also have to join the state-sponsored religion as well.

One Angry Man and 11 Indifferent Folks

This weekend, Paul Rust, Adam Pash and Ellen Flaherty were in town for Paul's sister's wedding. First of all, congrats to Amy Rust and Scott Ferguson on getting hitched. May they have many years of blissful marritude. Second of all, thanks to this dude

for organizing the chair lifting at the reception. It was like The Chicken Dance and Shout combined!

After the wedding festivities, Adam, Ellen and I hit the town. In case you ever find yourself in the second-most-popular-vacation-destination-for-Europeans-visiting-America, I've compiled a quick tour guide of things you just have to do while you're here.

1. Feel veiled hostility from all of the waitstaff at a restaurant in Chinatown for ordering from the menu instead of eating dim sum off their carts.
2. Ride a packed bus with a burned-out rocker lady who screams/whines for people to, "Get off the fucking steps, we wanna go!" the entire ride.

And that about does it for must-do's in Frisco. Finally, we arrive at the title of this entry. Yep, yours truly must have angered the gods somehow because I just pulled jury duty next month. My basic strategy when I arrive is to object to leading the witness, that or hearsay.

American Graffti

I was recently in an enclosed space where I found out that, "This bathroom stall hereby secedes from the USA by order of the Universal Liberation Front. ¡Time to Party!" Which is all right as far as bathroom stall graffiti goes, but we all know that the true graffito artist shines in the witty reparté. For example, take the lovestruck "Conrad & Diana" inside a heart. Someone had the wherewithal to append, "Buttbuddys forever." Brilliant! Finally, the extended thrust and counterthrust of:

Know Jesus
Know Physics
Know Truth
Know New Taxes

When Hell Freezes Over...

I don't know about you, but I'm sitting here in long pants, a hooded sweatshirt, a blanket, drinking hot tea and I'm still cold. This is the middle of August! Ok, so its only in the 50's, but seriously this is August, aka the dog days of summer, aka the month following July, aka the foggy month. Well, I guess that last one is only true in the Bay area.

Hey, have you heard about the new pop made just for for frogs?

It's called Croak-a-cola!

Wait, wait, what about the new drink made out of acorns?

Yeah, it's called Oak-a-cola!

Wocka-Wocka, those jokes were brought to you by Fozzie Bear, who narrowly edged The Great Gonzo for the title of best-loved muppet. There is a new multimedia poll up for your enjoyment as well. And finally, for all the readers out there longing for an article on how awesome the Doobie Brothers are, click the picture below to be transported to a china grove and watch some old black water keep on rolling...

Satan was in front of me

So, when you think of Japan and the 60th anniversary of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, what two things instantly spring to mind? If you answered:

1. Denny's
2. Hip-Hop Music

Then give yourself a pat on the back! Because I was down in Japantown earlier today and thats exactly what I saw. The reason why both of these fit perfectly is that the Denny's wasn't a regular Denny's. It was specifically labelled "Denny's: Japantown" and the rappers were talking about George W. Bush inbetween songs (though the rap I overheard had something to do with SAT scores, so go figure).

On a related note, I watched a Discovery channel special on Hiroshima recently and it was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. There were numerous shots of people suffering from radiation sickness and severe burns. One thing I didn't know before watching was that the firestorm parched the Earth and everyone was desperate for water, fighting each other to death to get to any small pools. Then the intense heat and smoke rising up caused a pitch black rain to fall. People drank the rain not knowing that it was extremely radioactive. Nuclear war sucks!

For something a little more cheery, I'd like to send out props to my brodie Joey G. Everytime I listen to "The Moon and Antarctica" by Modest Mouse, I have a wierd nostalgia for this time I was riding in the back of Joe's Jeep Grand Cherokee® late one summer night. Being in the way back, I couldn't hear the conversation all that well, so all I really heard was this album. And I didn't really mind, cause it was one of those summer nights that seems like it will last forever. And now (in the corniest way possible) whenever I hear the album, it does...

You're so pale! Haven't you just been touring South America?

Grrr....Arrrgh

So, I'm at work right now and by work I mean that I am sitting around waiting for this elctron microscope thingy to burn a pattern in some plastic sitting on top of a silicon chip. I'm here at this hour because the microscope thingy was broken for two weeks and now everybody needs to use it so its all booked up. And part of it isn't working right at the moment, so what should have taken half an hour will now take two hours. Happy Hump Day!

In the news you can use section, earlier tonight I was here. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Well, it actually wasn't all that exciting for me, since it meant that only one student was in the class I teach, which gave that class a teacher to student ratio of 3:1. I wandered over to another class I used to teach and helped them out though.

For any of you out there wondering, thats not at all typical of San Quentin. Contrary to popular belief, San Quentin is one of the nicer prisons in the state. Its a level 2 security out of 4. Level 1 is for people just before they parole and of trailers without even any fences. There have been a lot of transfers recently and that has been the source of the current issues. San Quentin is in the process of being converted into an all "lifer" facility (for people with life sentences), which will probably alleviate a lot of the problems.

Here comes the bride...

And, no, she is not all fat and wide, she's my sister Beth Kessler! Thats right folks, G-Off Paine pulled the old, I've gotta check my messages for work right in the middle of us rollerblading, but really I'm gonna ask you to marry me trick. So, congrats to the newly betrothed! G-Off is a pretty radical dude, and he'll be a good addition to the Kessler clan.

Now, dear readers I'm calling on you for help. I recently decided to make a mix CD of songs featuring songs about ages/years. After a couple minutes of minimal thought I was able to come up with:

1. "Christine Sixteen" by KISS
2. "Eighteen" by Alice Cooper
3. "When yer 22" by The Flaming Lips
4. "Reelin' in the Years" by Steely Dan
5. "When I'm 64" by The Beatles

So, this is the part where you get to help. Post any and all songs that will flesh out this list and you will be the recipient of a special prize.

The Godfather says, "Do it!"

Why America Sucks

So, I was interested in finding out information about the tallest man in the world. I was steered in the direction of websites from Russia and Germany. Now, for all the eagle-eyed viewers out there, can you spot the unifying thread between the two articles. Yep, thats right, legitimate news sites in other countries carry pornographic materials. Just one more reason why american kids don't score as high as the rest of the world on standardized tests.

In equally irrelevant news, the survey on the best catch phrase ever ended with "Let's kick it up a notch!" (my personal credo) taking the victory with five votes. The new poll asks you to pick your favorite muppet, and if your muppet isn't up there then thats because he/she/it is lame and is definitely not anyone's favorite muppet. The defense rests.

You've got to sleep late when you can

If you ever ask my Dad how he slept, his answer will invariably be, "Great, I don't have a guilty concience." Apparently, thats all it takes to get a good night's sleep. And personally, I always thought a good night's sleep would be 12 hours a day. That way you can spend half your time in dreamland and half your time in wakeville. However, my roomate tipped me off to some disturbing information. It turns out that sleeping more than seven hours a night can be detrimental to your health. The way he phrased it is every hour over seven you spend with Mr. Sandman cuts into your life the same way a pack of cigs does. Now, someone just needs to tell that sleepyhead Scott Bakula...

These pipes are clean!

My computer got a nasty case of the worms this weekend and I spent the morning and a good chunk of this evening cleaning it with numerous programs. I believe the infection has finally sunk to Magic Johnson levels. However, I was able to make my way over to the IMAX in San Francisco this afternoon to catch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Now, a couple of monthes ago, I watched Robots in the IMAX and vowed then and there that I would henceforth only see movies in the IMAX. Needless to say, I broke that vow very quickly. So, once again, I swear on Scott Bakula's holy grave that I will only see movies in the glorious experience that is the 8 story tall, 12,000 watt IMAX imaginatrix. Judging by the previews, this means I won't be seeing another movie until Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Well, on second thought, I'm going to see Broken Flowers next week. Sorry, Scott Bakula...